.

It's an absolutely glorious day! This morning I woke up and opened my doors for my cat to go outside, and just standing there in my bra and undies was absolutely amazing, it wasn't even cold and there was this gorgeous breeze, and I didn't even get goosebumps. So, therefore, I became full of love for almost the whole day. However, as is usual in my life, things don't go according to plan. People were wankers, and I found myself sinking into my usual feeling of self loathing, and everything loathing, and I became filled with hate for everyone, and everything. But eventually, mainly becuase of this amazingly amazing weather in winter, I started getting optimistic once again, and have now decided to go for a walk in the sunlight!

ridiculous!

Someone keeps ringing me on a private number. Well ok, it's only been twice but I really really hate that. It's so annoying, I pick up and go "Hello?" and nothing. And then they stayed on the line for like 10 seconds without saying anything and me going "Who is this??" a number of times, and then hung up which is fucking creepy. God, my life is so interesting.

I'm seriously thinking I might light up in my room. Fuck lung cancer, fuck everything, I may have slightly given up. But only slightly.

However, I have completely and utterly given up on keeping a clean room. I haven't cleaned it for, no joke, like probably 16 weeks. It is an absolute tip, and everytime mum comes in to distribute clothes I've left lying around the house, she makes this outraged face, and goes "YUCK" really loudly and then walks out. It's actually a disgrace though, I'm not sure if I can even call myself a human being anymore. However, it's quite exciting whenever I pick something up off the floor, because there's usually something under it that I haven't seen for a while, so I guess it raises the positive surprise stakes (if that even makes sense??)

Slightly obsessed with jazz, such as Ella Fitzgerald and things.. Also Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra are always a winner.

But however, I have this note taking and text book questions thing due for history tomorrow, and I've only noted like 6 pages so far which is really crap, as if we don't hand it in, we'll get zero. Jesus he's such a fucking fascist pig. But yes, either history work or bath.. which is it to be. Probably eating actually, I think I'm pregnant, the amount of shit I have been craving, buying and then eating this week is insane. Hopefully I'm not going to get really really fat, but knowing my luck with life in general, I'll blow up like a balloon by the time I'm 20, and then have a heart attack at 23. The prospects are not good.

all i want from you are three little words

I'm listening to my brother hobbling around on his crutches, and it's really quite annoying. Bang bang bang bang bang. I can also hear in the background, him talking to mum..
"If I ever get really really rich, I'll give all my money to you and dad and charities."

He's really pissed off with me because I refused to make him a milkshake before. Mum got angry with me, and told me I was selfish, and I replied "He's not a cripple, he's just got a broken leg." and then he said "I can't hold anything!" to which I said "You hold things with your feet?" Yeah, my whole family hates me just because I didn't make one of them a fucking milkshake. Jesus.

Anyway, I'm watching Tony's ep of Skins season 2, which is probably one of my favourites, mainly because it's just really effed up, apart from Effy's ep of season 1. I should however, be having a bath (still no shower, fuck my life), and getting ready for bed, but I truly can't be arsed.

"Coward, fucking coward."
"Coward."
"Wanker."

I'm really craving a cigarette, even though I gave up over a month ago. I fell off the wagon a few times, but only because I had been drinking and was just being crap as usual. I swear, I either need to stay sober forever, or just get drunk alone, because whenever I'm around people I just make a massive dick of myself by being way too honest (or just making up shit, either one, I'm not sure which I do more of), or just get really pathetic and cry. Or, I fuck everyone. My life is pathetic and shameful. God.

me + maman

This is a conversation had just before and during my washing hair in the sink escapade. The kitchen sink was full of grease and shitty stuff, due to the plates and things being washed in it. Obviously I thought this was really yuck, so I complained..

"Yuck, the sink is really gross." *fake dry retch* - me
"Stop being so girly." - mum
"What's wrong with being girly?"
"It's weak."
"But that's like saying that crying is pathetic or something." (Which I did not say to my brother earlier this evening... massive hypocrite, oops.)
"No it's not. But being girly is just giving up, and all the feminists who worked their arses off to get equal rights for you would not be happy."
"But they'd think that, like, wearing deoderant was being girly." (Little bit of a stereotype here, sorry to any deoderant wearing feminists who may get offended by this statement.)

At this point, mum walked off because I was taking the piss a bit, and I'm fairly sure she was trying to have a serious conversation with me.. By this time, I was upside down in the sink, with shampoo in my hair. She came back after a while, and then we started talking about chivalry or something..

"But why do people say that chivalry shouldn't be dead then? Isn't expecting that just being girly?" - me
"No, its just good manners."
"Mmm.."
"Do you really want someone to look after you your whole life?"
"Well.. Ha. Noo.. But I think I might need someone to look after me right now, or I might drown in the sink."

Pathetic attempt to lighten the mood. It may just have worked though hahah.

Really loving frankmusik, completely sexually in love with him ahhh ;D
And I really love Ellie Goulding, Starsmith and his remix of Marina and the Diamonds 'I Am Not A Robot'. It's really sexy!
Love to all x

why

(F+TM)
You hit me once
I hit you back
You gave a kick
I gave a slap
You smashed a plate over my head
Then I set fire to our bed

Now there's no rolling back, I'm aching to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground

"I think they like kissed and stuff.."
"Which means they made out and were naked together."

jingle of pocket change, pulsing

I've changed my mind. I'm never letting anyone know anything about me, again, ever.

im standing on a stage

At least it's all out in the open now..
Which is good.
I think.
That's my new philosophy, seeing as when I drink, I find it impossible to either keep my mouth shut, or stop myself from being pathetic and crying hahah, so I may as well just be really honest when I'm sober too.
No more secrets! Well thats a massive lie, I'm obviously going to have secrets (my dad always tells me that 'discretion' is the key - ironic coming from him, but anyway), just I'm not going to bottle myself up. And necessary things will inevitably come out. Like if i hate people. Or if I, unfortunately do not hate them.

Listening to I feel blue by Lakasha, which is basically amazing. And it's calming my head, which I really need right now, seeing as I drank a bit over half a bottle of vods (YUCK) and some gin last night. Why do I have no limit?? It's a curse, I swear. But at least I had a shower this morning, which was heavenly. No, our bathroom isn't finished yet, I stole someone elses hah.

Work in an hour, also a curse. I am so amazingly hungover, and I really feel like death. Off to find some coffee or any type of caffeine. Woo yeah, it's gonna be a good day.