dependence

I can’t express how much I am addicted to the internet. At the moment, our modem is down and I am writing this on a word document instead of directly onto my blog. And let me tell you, it’s killing me. Just a little. Maybe a lot. Maybe totally. It’s not just the blog that I miss, it’s the updates on twitter which I cannot stand missing out on – I feel left out to tell the truth – and my dependence on online shopping (and subsequent removal of the ability to do this) has caused me to go a little bit insane over the past week (give or take). 

So I have taken to using my phone to go on the internet. Which is in itself a really bad thing. My phone bill for next month will be double. 

Other problems include not being able to download music at the drop of a hat, or when I hear a new song I rather like. I’m a bit dependent on music as well. I often feel like I want to dissolve into the music. Bit of a morbid thought I know. And not being constantly attached to the outside world makes me feel weird. And lonely. Very lonely.

At the moment I’m in a bit of a melancholic despondency. And usually I fix this certain mood by buying things, which sometimes forces me out of my little bubble. Sometimes it doesn’t. Anyway, whether it be clothes (online mostly), or music (also online), or food, or wood for the fire, or nailpolish, or rings, or coffee, it usually distracts me from my hopelessness for at least a little while, until I can face pulling myself out.

But because all of these are not accessible to me in my current climate, I am forked… to spend time with myself. The depressed self. Not the good one. Which sucks. I also can’t watch anything online. Like True Blood – this usually helps. Or reading my various collection of blogs that inspire me – visiting these people just for a bit makes me happy.

potential

I think I have lots of potential. To be, well, everything and anything I feel like. Which is good, because I have so many diverse interests and things that don't fit in together or anything! Need to work on my anxiety first though. I really need to.

Work, that's what life is made up of. Working as a professional (or not - it's your choice), yes that's one of the things we work at, but working on ourselves as human beings is one that even surpasses the job type work. Or at least I think it should.

I unfortunately struggle with both of these. Ok that's a lie. I definitely have the will to work on myself (I recently started seeing a private psychologist which I have never done before), and am constantly opening myself up for people to peer inside and take a look at what's 'in there'. I'd like to write a memoir, but I haven't had enough interesting things happen to fill an entire book yet. Maybe 3/4 of a book, but not the whole thing. Anyway, I also have a good work ethic (minus today - I missed a shift and didn't show up for the first time ever!), just happen to avoid going out an getting an GOOD job that I might actually enjoy. Lord forbid I should enjoy my job! I never really have before though, so I guess I can understand my reluctance from that angle. Otherwise, no, I should probably just get my act into gear (shit together) and apply for a job I am passionate about. Something to do with fashion maybe? Or writing?

Who knows. At the moment the work I'm concentrating on is the work on myself. Perhaps if I figure myself out first, the other stuff will just fall into place. Perhaps.

new (good) start. hopefully..

The anticipation of a new job (and/or leaving your old one) is as scary as anything we come across in life I reckon. I'm in the middle of writing a resignation letter as we speak, and to be honest it's scaring me shitless. It's more like a self preservation thing though, really. I'm way too scared of being fired than is expressable - and this combined with being a notorious avoider has some difficulties in the 'real world'. So I have decided to take the bull by the horns and quit before I am sacked.

There isn't really any truth behind my speculation I'm about to be fired. I haven't done anything worth firing for - however, being employed as a casual worker, I am definitely the first to admit I don't have any rights in the hospitality business. It's a dog eat dog world out there, that's for sure.

And after finding out today that my bosses are taking back one of their old full-time girls, I decided there wasn't anything keeping me there, least of all my meagre 9 hours of work this week (which will almost certainly be even more reduced when the full-time girl comes back). Which sucks. But what can you do.

But I'm determined to try something new. Retail maybe, or administration? The only problem is, and this brings us back to the scary part, actually going through the steps and finding a new job may be the hardest thing of all!

Now enough of boring stuff, here is an update of my life via iPhone photos:

weird and wonderful

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
- Dr. Seuss

holy shit

And this one!!! Man I need to go back to being my 17 year old self. Jesus 3 years ago I had such a better brain.

revisiting the past

Wow, I just found this old blog post and man oh man was I cool back then! I need to start writing more again and re-find my coolness. I just feel like such an awkward person these days.

The Amazing List Machine that is myself..

Now onto the important stuff. More important than those pictures anyway! Not important at all really. I want to watch the new episode of True Blood but it's getting a bit late and my brain has given up working for the night, so I doubt that I would remember anything that I watched right now tomorrow, or even 5 minutes from now. See, I'm not even making any sense!

I've been thinking recently. Wouldn't everything be so much easier if everyone's internet things (accounts? pages? uhh who knows?) were condensed onto one central page so that I (and other people - ok, mainly just me) could keep track of it?! I mean twitter, facebook, blogger, tumblr, not to mention all the online shops (yes, here I go again people) we have joined, say ebay or etsy, are a jumble of usernames and passwords to say the very least! Maybe it's my crazy brain that(?) can't deal with the whole lot of it. I'm just sayin'. Off to go dream up The Amazing Internet Condenser for all those crazy people like me who need forced organisation in their life or nothing goes well. Hmm, so many amazing names popping out of my head right now! I should be keeping track of this!

AHHHHH I need to start writing lists! And following them! The top of my list would be sleep actually, so here I go, to the land of nod. I've drunk way too much coffee today that I feel like my eyes are swirling around in my head. That can't be good for you, surely? And how will sleep go? My dog isn't on my bed right now, he refused to come to bed with me like usual, which has made me a tad grumpy. It must be warmer on the couch. Humph. I feel like Winnie-ther-pooh. Doesn't he say 'humph' a lot? PUT ME AWAY! I NEED TO BE CASTRATED! Wait no that's not what I mean, I mean COMMITTED. That sounds better. My brain is a constant mind map. Never sticking to one thing. I need help.