consistency/ control

i have a real problem with consistency. as much as i may love doing something, or finishing a task, if i take a slight break, i struggle hard to go back to it. it's like if i don't do something all at once, and give it my everything, then i lose my drive to complete it.

this basically goes for everything you could think of - work, study, love, writing, photography. even my passions are in there.

sometimes when i'm sad i do my best contemplation. because everything seems to come to the surface when i'm melancholy. just last night i remarked: i just want to hang out with my friends and my dog and learn things.what i forget is life is rarely controllable. and that's my major weakness. needing to control things. and if i can't, well they're not worth my time.

if there was a complete opposite of the saying "she wears her heart on her sleeve", then that would be how to explain me. "she keeps her cards close to her chest" might do. in any case, i rarely let myself get into situations where i might be vulnerable. and when by chance vulnerability sneaks up on me, the control rears its ugly head and there i am, back to square one, keeping tight hold of everything that i can.

confusion

i go through periods in my life where i want to totally reinvent myself. this one is especially powerful - i almost feel as if i can't continue unless i change something.

it's always about less, or more. or both.

and so, i spend my tuesdays.

[happy] rainy thursday

it's days like these i wonder about life.

i mean, where am i really going to?

i feel like recently, everything is just temporary, until the life starts. but when is it going to start? and why is it taking so long?

i've always felt like i was just waiting for something or someone to come along and change everything.

meanwhile, i'm just sat here drinking tea, and it's raining, and i'm waiting.

so i'm sitting with my feet up at work, reading Grace: A Memoir, on my break that I've been on for an hour and a half, dreaming about nothing in particular, but particularly travel: and a soft evening breeze over a lavender lined driveway in greece. or perhaps france. who knows. all i know is that this day is one of the ones where my head is up in the clouds, and i'm really too dazed to be in human company. but, i'm to be at work for another 8 hours, potentially, which doesn't seem too fun for me. even though it's 35 degrees and our air conditioning at home isn't working, meaning it's cooler at work, i would much rather be lying on the couch with a cool drink and no responsibilities. here's to the new year
!

// what is happening it's almost 2013?

sometimes, i just feel that everything is so beautiful.

and then i realise our internet isn't working properly and i can't upload photos.

early onset winter symptoms

It's raining fierce outside, and I've been being slack and boring. Here's to a my mid-year resolution! And that is: be more committed, healthy, loving, accepting, exploring, stylish, worldly Bella. I mean come one, this is the year I become who I'm going to be..

Here's to all of this

i love sleep

i have a word block sometimes. mostly, actually. and i'm supposed to be an aspiring writer? utter codswallop!

it's 9.28pm and i'm tired as a dog. who has been running a lot. i don't really understand that expression. like, most dogs are really energetic, actually. especially my dog.

anyway, i quite literally can't keep my eyes open. here is some inspiration.

baggy jeans, a bike, and idle days? show me the path to this existance!

australia day

so, among the days of monotony and boredom since i last posted (just kidding, i got a new job!), something struck me (apart from the new job). and that is, i am not happy in my present state of consciousness. ok, true, i've been struggling with mostly kind of everything about myself recently, but this was a total "OH!" moment.. like eureka except without the tepid bathwater. anyway, i've been finding it really hard to squeeze inspiration or happiness out of anything i do. and i mean anything people. like, nothing gives me satisfaction. so the moral of the story is I HAVE TO FIND NEW THINGS TO DO AND PEOPLE TO TALK TO AND EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD NEEDS TO GET IN MY LIFE NOW!

ironic, because today is australia day, therefore the whole of the hills is filled with a sense of impending doom happiness and purpose. whoops, being negative again.

get me some alcohol. seriously though, happy australia day, and inspiration year, and 2012 people.

On the road

Sitting in the back of a car on the way to Melbourne. On The Road on my lap, along with my camera and a way too big bottle of water. It looks like it's going to rain. But the forecast is for 30. Why is it that on roadtrips my bladder is always smaller than on days I don't have to sit in a car for 6 hours? I will never understand those physics.

just been hanging out

i love holidays. seriously can't get enough of them! haven't really had proper holidays since i was at school; i remember when i finished, this huge feeling of relief swept over me - over all of us really. currently on holidays from everything - work, study.. - well that's everything that i'd want to take a holiday from anyway.

can't believe it's been almost 3 years since i started my final year of school. feels like eternity and also yesterday.

all that emotional turmoil. and sadness.

anyway, been hanging (as the title suggests), with my brother a lot recently. he drives me crazy most of the time - there is a bit of an age difference between us so we've never been close friends. i feel like now that he's growing up we might get along better? here's to hoping. he turned 13 a month before i turned 20 so there's the age gap for you! anyway, he's on holidays now, so we get to bond a bit more.

we took captain to the beach yesterday, and then had lunch with mum and her brother as they had some time free from their respective jobs. and then again today, we went out for lunch and then for a walk along a track next to a lake, and then through a whole lot of trees.

here we are boys and girls

fog and the incessant need to do things, suddenly, with wet nailpolish

i find i always discover a thousand things that need doing, right after i've painted my nails. like for example, the washing needs to be put out, or put in the machine, or i need to vaccuum before mum gets home..

which is why i've started painting them right before bed, because surely i (you, one) won't suddenly find heaps of jobs to be done. well, if you agreed with that statement, you'd be

WRONG! 

i just found i have 50 bobbypins in my hair which i obviously have to take out for sleeping, also my nose suddenly needs blowing, and my sock is halfway down my foot.

the trials and tribulations of being a female who is obsessed (and i mean freaky-deaky perfectionist OCD type obessed) with perfect painted nails..

ahhh, drove home from the city in knee-deep fog (if you hung from the streetlights); i felt like the whole world was not even there. and any minute i could just drive off the edge of the universe - rather like in pirates of the caribbean. or sinbad.

if anyone has ever driven in thick fog at night before, they will understand.

the lights of your car only take you as far as the beams travel, and you cannot see what is in front of your car until it is quite literally right in front of your car.

which is a bit nerve wracking while driving at 90 kms an hour.

thai food for dinner, the first book of the milennium trilogy is sitting on my bed (must do some more quality reading), and i handed out several (and by several i mean loads) of my resumes this afternoon.

ahhh life is good sometimes.

obsessed

with this.

about to go to work, sitting listening to colplay and the tallest man on earth (weird combination), and reading through all my old posts from 2009. i miss myself.

disrupt us

The best antidote for being in a shit mood is listening to Miss You Less, See You More, by Faithless, and eating tom yum for breakfast. Don't judge me..

Now I'm off to do some notes for history. Probably 13 pages, like last time!