consistency/ control

i have a real problem with consistency. as much as i may love doing something, or finishing a task, if i take a slight break, i struggle hard to go back to it. it's like if i don't do something all at once, and give it my everything, then i lose my drive to complete it.

this basically goes for everything you could think of - work, study, love, writing, photography. even my passions are in there.

sometimes when i'm sad i do my best contemplation. because everything seems to come to the surface when i'm melancholy. just last night i remarked: i just want to hang out with my friends and my dog and learn things.what i forget is life is rarely controllable. and that's my major weakness. needing to control things. and if i can't, well they're not worth my time.

if there was a complete opposite of the saying "she wears her heart on her sleeve", then that would be how to explain me. "she keeps her cards close to her chest" might do. in any case, i rarely let myself get into situations where i might be vulnerable. and when by chance vulnerability sneaks up on me, the control rears its ugly head and there i am, back to square one, keeping tight hold of everything that i can.