anywhere, say anywhere, as long as I'm with you

Truly, my life has become so much more hectic than it was 10 days ago.. I have gone out for probably 7 of those nights, and yes, I think I've completely fucked my liver. Currently chilling at a good friend's house, and while she's gone for a run (I'm way too lazy, plus she just ate half the leftovers from Chrissy), I'm trying to brainstorm the easiest way of paying my phone bill. And yeah, I'm very tempted to apply for a loan from my bank. But that's probably the worst idea I've had, like, ever. The minimum you can borrow is $2000, and knowing me, although I only need 400 of that, I'll spend the rest on SHIT that I don't even need. But I need my phone to be usable again. I've gone without it for more than a month now, and it's hell. I don't even think I'll be able to remember how to use it once it gets put back on..

Called Mam before, and told her that I was sorry for not talking to her for ages (since Saturday night, and it's now Monday.. it's not even that long), and she goes..
"B, you left the house on Saturday evening in a sequined dress, and I haven't seen you since." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Not sure why, but I found that extremely funny!

Also, I'm finally losing my last baby tooth. Yes, I'm 18. But shit this is like the end of my childhood, finally!

Craving going for a swim. We actually know someone with a pool. Not going to invite myself over though, that's a wee bit embarrassing and gay.. I don't think he'd appreciate it hahahah.

I love having this type of chilled and spontaneous life, it's actually so good! Besides not really having any clothes with me; I've had to borrow C's clothes yesterday and today hahah. Me and C had a bubble bath in her swimming pool sized in-ground 70's style bath last night. It was so good! We were both absolutely dead after getting home at almost 7am that morning, and sleeping for 3 hours, waking up still completely off our trolley. So this completely lezo (joking) experience definately made everything very much better hahahha.

Quite possibly might invite myself over to this boy's pool. SO TEMPTING!!!!!!

fear of sleep??????

Okay, I am attempting to be soothed to sleep by the smooth tones of Julian Casablancas. So far, I'm listening to 'Trying Your Luck' (The Strokes of course). It's lovely. Mmm, I think he may in fact be, the love of my life. Except for Ben. My gay waiter. Damn.

Incidentally, The Strokes have a song called 'Fear of Sleep'. Ironic.

It's a bit embarrassing really, this pathetic fear of.. well, sleep. Ok, SO I'm not exactly scared of sleeping as such, just I hate missing out on life. And I find it hard to actually drop off; everything is racing through my head, and to put it so eloquently as a facebook group I stumbled across the other day (don't laugh), 'I can't get to sleep because my mind is having a conversation with itself'. And so here I sit, on my single bed at dad's house, naked under an almost painfully colourful beach towel (the only one I could find in the bathroom after my shower), typing this onto, no, not my laptop, but my iPod touch notes app. And this is because I am unfortunately very good at forgetting important things. Well it's not important as such, but I am finding life (well the three days I'm spending down at father's) quite painful.

Not to mention the excruciating cramps I'm experiencing at this very moment. Pleasant I know. But until you have lived through one of my monthly cycles, you will not know the meaning of pain.

Another one of my great skills is harping on about nothing at all for an uncomfortable amount of time, and just generally bitching about my life. Which by the way is actually not that bad.

?????

After absolutely no thought given to this whatsoever, I have decided to go to Uni next year, even though I've had my mind made up NOT to keep studying after finishing school. At least until the year after next anyway. I am literally so bored with my life, and I had an interesting conversation with my Uncle this morning - I realised that I'd prefer to be studying rather than not doing anything. That is literally how boring my life has become. Plus I have no shifts at the moment anyway, which means no money. So study = less boredom, lots lots lots to do! Excellent. This is what I need. To keep occupied.

cry your heartbeat

Awesome, on my 4th coffee in about an hour..
Having great doubts about the general direction my life is going.
Very very very wired. Ugh.
Found a nice flower hair-clip though.

draco, will you be mine?

Ps:
OH MY LORD

be running up that hill..

If I only could..
Well here I lie, in my despondency, wishing that I could find that Julian Casablancas song SOMEWHERE, to download for free. Why is it that when you want something, it usually doesn't happen the way you expect? So I have learnt to expect nothing, so that I'm not disappointed. Although to be honest, I get disappointed anyway.

But sometimes, when you're waiting for something that you actually want, something else comes along that looks quite exciting, and probably just as good. By that I mean I found a cover of Kate Bush's 'Wuthering Heights', and it said it was by Fleet Foxes, but it's actually by someone called.. wait for it.. CUBAN CIGAR CRISIS. Yep, you can tell already it's complete bollocks. So, when you're waiting for something good, and something else comes along, it's not equally exciting, its actually just shit.

No one should expect anything, because nothing is authentic, and nothing is truth.

Oh wait, I've suddenly come to my senses. I found the song! And have seen the light. I am no longer a cynic. Well, I'm not a cynic usually, but some would say I'm a weird balance between highly emotional (mam), and a complete and utter cynical bastard (dad). That's what comes of having bizarre parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them! But it's just quite strange, being raised by completely contrasting spectrums of emotionality. God I sound like a wanna-be psychologist.

I should go to sleep.. I have to get up at 8am, as I am apparently going shopping with dad's sister so she can buy me a birthday present. I will have to do all the clothes choosing myself however, as she is unfortunately fashion debilitated. Well, you know what I mean anyway. Night ducks.

it's strange; you evoke strong emotions in people

After serious consideration, I have decided to make a list. Ok that's a bit of a lie, it's not a particularly serious list. It's actually a list of things that I want/need to make my life better. Mainly consisting of clothes..

1. Black/beige trench coat. This is sort of self explanitory. I would just look so amazingly chic in it, there's no denying the immediate chic effect of a trench coat.

2. Pale blue tight jeans. Also medium blue jeans. I saw two women wearing them today, and they looked utterly amazing. Ok, yes, I saw them in the Dulwich homewares shop, and they probably look amazing in everything, but I think my life would improve even if I took a slight amount of inspiration from them.

3. Baggy silk black pants, that go in at the bottom. Ok, not much to say here, mother put these on layby today.. They are brilliant.

4. No phone bill. I would so much prefer to have a working phone right now. I would be so much happier if I could actually reply to abuse. Because I'm getting lots. Hahahah that's a lie. I just want everyone to feel sorry for me.

all you ever wanted was..

So unfortunately, being 18 gives rise to ever more twatish things to do. But, who am I kidding? We all know that I fail miserably at trying to behave. It just doesn't work for me. I went out the past three nights in a row, and seem to have fucked just about everything up for myself. Awesome. I've been up since 8, after 3 hours sleep, and I feel very very shit. Ugh, everything is so crap.

we think you're a joke

Well! The big one-eight tomorrow. Finally! I feel a little bit different already.. older, better.. just better in general really. Apart from my sinuses. They feel like crap.

I spent a delicious day at the beach with all the girls, and we found ourselves skinny dipping only 3 metres from shore. There's absolutely nothing like it!

Am now in a slightly cold bath, watching Gossip Girl. I've been meaning to bring my laptop into the bathroom for ages, and now, on the eve of my 18th I have. That sounded a little bit wrong.

I am looking forward immensely to the all the presents. Selfish, I know. Going out tomorrow night after family dinner. It will be fabulous!

God, I feel amazing. I have a terrible head cold (on the first day of summer. what is the world coming to?!), possible concussion, and a very very very screwed foot. And a re-found (if that's a word), nicotene addiction. Shit.

i can't move another inch

I've been watching way too much Gossip Girl lately. It just resonates so much with my life y'know? I feel like I can relate to all the characters, each in their different ways. Total bullshit. I think that's just a side-effect from way too much spare time and absolute and utter boredom and weird screwy weather. At the moment, I'm in an empty house, as Maman went away for the weekend, and une petit Diable (little brother) is staying with Papa, and the wind was howling a gale outside before. It's quietened down now, but I'm sure I'll wake up at about 4 to the sound of a violent thunderstorm. And it's meant to be summer in 2 days? Weird. Last week was a massive heat wave. Have to admit, this weather definately suits me. I will never get sick of saying how much I love winter. It is MY season. Seriously, waking up at 5am to drive your mum to the airport in that state of almost dark, but almost dawn, and grey skies, and amazing rain is the life. I'd never get sick of that. Then, after dropping mum there, me and R (brother!!) journeyed to the Central Market where we parked in a completely empty carpark (possibly due to it being 6.30 in the morning), and wandered around the almost deserted stalls, where we'd occasionally run into men unpacking flowers, and fruit, and not to mention the love of my life who works at the coffee shop where we had breakfast. I think his mum owns it actually. I think I may be coming to terms with the possibility he's gay though, because (as previously mentioned in the extensive babble about my failed attempt at a successful love-life), I suck with finding properly available men. Seriously, they either have a girlfriend, or are gay. Or, in unfortunate cases, are both. Well, it seemed highly likely at the time anyway.

This is another side effect from all my spare time. I talk absolute SHIT. I can only think of one positive to the fact that this brilliant rain will most probably clear up in the next few days to let forth the violent sun; and that is, I turn 18 in five days. I'm not even excited. I'd rather drink coffee and look at the gay love of my life. Rather than have a birthday. Just look at him. I wouldn't even mind a non physical relationship, just as long as he'd let me look at him.

Current music:
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
E.S.T. - White Lies
Watchman, what is left in the night? - Greycoats (This one's amazing. I'm planning on learning to play it on the piano. Sounds quite simple, non?)

i said i said i said i said, keep it casual

It's strange, I thought that the relief of finishing school, and not having any (particular) responsibilities would make me feel so much better about my life. But the funny thing is, I'm still stuck in a pattern of lonliness and masochistic despair. Sounds really wanky but it's true. I'm sitting in my room in my un-made bed, with everything strewn across the floor, listening to Kreuzberg, and Letter to my Son by Bloc Party (on my laptop, as someone tore the fly screen of my friend's beach house and stole my iPod), and having a little bit of a cry. I feel really panicky most of the time, and my heart feels like someone is squeezing it. I truly have no love for anything right now. And the horrible thing is, I constantly do things that make me feel even worse about everything/myself.
So, ridiculously, my mind is having an unwanted conversation with itself, and I really just want to chill out and forget about everything that made me stressed over the year (and my whole life maybe..?).
I think I'm going to paint my nails. Black. Excellent choice for my dark mood.

please me, show me how it's done

Ahh, I feel slightly content. Even though I have a History exam in 12 or so hours, and I really can't remember anything. Oh well. If this is how I feel now, I can't even begin to fathom what I will be feeling tomorrow afternoon at 12:15. Jesus christ, I will have never been as free as that! Exciting.
I have a pre-birthday new years revolution. Um. And that is that I will never let myself become vulnerable. And that is the truth. I will never do anything I don't want to do. And I will definately, definately be more empathetic. That's something I struggle with. Putting myself in other people's shoes.

Wow, just listened to Glamorous by Fergie. Brings back such beautiful (and extremely embarrassing) memories of Year 9. Or was it 10? Who knows. Lovely.

I may slightly be getting used to the stifling heat of summer. Granted, I sat in an airconditioned room for most of the day, but when I came outside at half 7, lordy the balmy night was absolutely sublime. I don't get bitten by mosquitos, so that's another positive. Slept on dad's lawn for the past two nights because his house heats up like a bloody sauna. It was really nice apart from when I woke up last night and thought someone was walking through the house. And I got woken up at 8 by the sun blinding me. So I stumbled in a half-awake state inside (which was, by now relatively cool - as we left all the doors open during the night), and curled up on the couch to sleep for another two hours. Woke up at 10 to find my knees were completely cramped in the position I had fallen back to sleep in.

History. Shit, I forgot.

Just some pictures to contemplate..


^^ Is he not the most divine thing you have ever seen? No, probably not. But he's lush nevertheless.

i hate summer

Rainy night.. if only

In the middle of a weird November heat wave, and the options are not looking favourable. It's either sit in a relatively cool room and revise, or sit in a boiling hot room and revise. Well that isn't really an option I suppose, but I miss the cool weather. I'm definately NOT a summer person. I think the idea of summer appeals to me more than the actual reality of it.. Friends, dusky warm summer evenings, the beach, parties, fun, being relaxed. Sounds nice, but I'd much prefer rainy nights, and hot coffee and smoking in the mist of an autumn evening, or watch the street lights reflect off a wet road. Grey skies, thunderstorms, breezes that bring goosebumps to my skin. Maybe this 39 degree weather is just driving me insane. Coupled with revision and exams I guess it probably could.

I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable. I'm usually the person that manipulates others, boys mainly, but at the moment I have, unfortunately, got myself into the midst of a situation where I am finding it extremely hard to (metaphorically) stay on my feet. Except for I think I may have managed to put things into perspective this morning. Maybe this whole thing is just giving me a tast of my own medicine? I'd like to think I'm not that much of an absolute wanker, but surely what I usually do to people doesn't feel this terrible..? Whoops.

i'm not loving you

I think that you are so used to getting your way, and manipulating people, that when it happens, you don't notice anymore. Which means you are constantly seeking affirmation, and attention, and the top place.

my life

22:31 Chloe
omg a dork is a whales penis
22:31 Bella
i thought it was a camels penis
22:32 Chloe
oh mayb it is

When you work it out, i’m worse than you. When you work it out, i wanted to. When you work out where to draw the line, your guess is as good as mine

So, last day of SWOTVAC, and I still, for some unknown reason, have not done any study whatsoever, apart from write 3 reviews for drama in about 4 hours. My Psychology is still not finished, even though it was technically due for the SACE board on Friday, and instead of studying for my English exam that is actually tomorrow, I watched a Coldplay concert that was on telly. And now I’m pretty much doing everything I can, not to do work. This is ridiculous really, because there shouldn’t be anything stopping me from studying. But I’m finding every excuse not to.
I have no motivation WHATSOEVER. FUCK EVERYTHING!

sleep hygeine

You are not meant to use your bed for anything but sleep and sex. Lately, I have been using it for everything but.

i couldn't sleep all night

Pretty much the only time I write anything on this is when I'm pulling allnighters, because as there's nobody to talk to, I stick to talking to no one instead. Plus, this is an excellent way of procrastinating..

Listening to Couldn't Sleep by Milosh. Ironic, because I don't think I'd have any troubly sleeping right now. I love working at this time of night, I feel so creative and intuitive. Only thing is, I really would like a toilet in my room, because I've been drinking way too much water, and I think I'm starting to piss Maman off - dashing to the bathroom every half hour or so, while she's trying to sleep. And you know, she despises disorganisation, which is my middle name, so the fact that I'm pulling an all nighter is not helping the situation I think.

Due to the beach being planned tomorrow, earlier I came to the thought that I'd rather go there fake tanned than an albino. So I tanned up. I now feel like a fake black person. I used the really dark stuff, which is good, and doesn't actually turn orange, but everyone's going to be like "Shit, how did you get so tanned so quickly." Wow, good story.

I really have to pee.

ouch, cramp

Christ, trying to stay awake without coffee is really difficult, I am going to be a zombie in the morning. Well proper morning I mean. I might watch the sunrise though, haven't done that since I was about six. Zombie sounds fitting though, seeing as tomorrow it's Halloween. No party for me, way too much revision to do. Ugh my legs hurt, my eyes keep trying to shut, and I just burnt the bottom of my foot on my laptop plug (no idea why it's hot, that seems like a serious safety issue to me). Very very tired. Except, I will get these done, and afterwards, oh, tres tres bien. Only three exams to go, revision, and then I am DONE.

I have nothing to keep me going, this is so bloody difficult! I am surviving on sparkling mineral water, and the smell of fly spray. Yum yum. Jesus I want a cigarette. I think I'm almost hallucinating I'm that tired though, and I desperately want a shower, I feel so dirty. Apart from I had a shower at like 4 this afternoon. Still, almost 12 hours ago. Wow.

little dinky bits. and yes, im still awake

However this turns out, I'll always remember that night.

And nowhere is always going to lead somewhere, you know.

Fear less, love more.

1.30 evalution of men

"Well, if there's anything we know about me, it's that I have no idea about men."
"Yeah, well that could probably be said for the majority of the female population. Obviously not me however, I totally get them. Some might say I have the brain of a boy, but I know they're just overestimating my intuition into the male psyche."

"I have successfully driven ** offline."
"Maybe he was just tired..?"
"Yeah.. maybe."

i can't describe how i am

I'm determined to get through this night without any substances. Such as caffeine or .. well caffeine. Crap I just remembered I took a no doze before. Probably why I'm still surviving.

flashback

Absolutely nothing of consequence has happened in my life, except for me being really cool today, and sitting out on the front steps of the verandah and writing poetry with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. Could I possibly get any more original? Probably not. Meanwhile, it feels like it's 3 o'clock in the morning, and its only 20 to 1. I'm boiling hot, as the weather has reached all time high temperatures. Ok, I'm exaggerating.. it was 30 today, but seeing as I love cold weather so much more than hot weather, and I've been living in 10 degree rain for the past six months, it's a little too extreme for me.

Sat on my bed for an hour topless before, but thought 'oh, what if mother decides to walk in?'. And then she did. But I was clothed by then. Apparently I have 4 assignments due tomorrow, all up worth 70% of my overall grade for two subjects.. And I haven't really done much of any of them. Actually I've almost finished 2, but still. Looks like I'll be pulling an allnighter again, excellent.

Going to the beach tomorrow, it's meant to be exceptionally hot again. Well, even though I hate hot weather, I may as well make the most of the UV rays while they're here. Wouldn't complain if I got a tan. Who am I kidding? I just burn, tan and then it peels off. I wish it would rain again. Rain is just really beautiful and romantic and just suits me so much. Ugh.

Recently accquired a new boy. Don't really want him though. Why does this always happen to me? I want the ones I don't want to want (and shouldn't want), and the ones that want me I get sick of way too easily, even though I should embrace it. I'm way too masochistic for my own good.

wow

"Do you hate me? Say you don't hate me."
"I don't hate you."
"Thankyou. Now if only I didn't hate me."

Why does this sound so much like my life??

halloween

Well here I am, yet again, suffering with my insomnia. Ok, maybe it's not insomnia, maybe I just analyse things too much. If there's one condition I suffer from, its the ability to over think things. Not that it's an ability, more like a curse.

Halloween in less than a week. I might have a halloween bash, possibly dress up as.. I'm not sure, Jack Sparrow or something equally as suitable. I definately think life would be a lot easier if I was a boy.

bleh

I feel completely blank. There is literally nothing here right now. No happiness, but I'm not sad either. Weird. Except for that I love that photo.. and my hair for some reason, no idea why.

But I do feel quite witty however, I just answered a message asking for "details" about what I'm doing right now with:

"Ok, well I haven't cleaned my room for ages so I'm sitting on a pile of clothes, and my beds not made and my work uniform is lying on the heater where I chucked it when I got home. Good enough detail?"

And that is the extent of the excitement in my life!

why is this funny?

01:18Felicity
oi wanna go as dickheads tmrw?
01:18Bella
yeah, im already going as a french person
01:19Bella
what are you going as?
01:20Felicity
im goin as a dickhed
01:21Bella
oh
01:21Bella
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

psychology.. here i come

I think the point of an all-nighter is that you stay up all night.. DOING YOUR WORK. Which seems to be unfortunately, absolutely impossible for me. Can I just say one thing.. cold coffee is really disgusting.

okay, off the herbal tea, onto the hard stuff

Mm, caffeine is calling to me. Yet another late night, attempting to finish my FINAL ASSIGNMENT! Only this one to go! Well for tomorrow anyway. I've got another three to do by next week, but I'm choosing to forget about those until next Monday! And I'm planning on (don't judge me), drink driving to school tomorrow - yes, muck up day calls for alcohol, absolutely ridiculous outfits (I'm dressing as a stereotypical French person), so probably not absolutely ridiculous, as I usually wear stripes and berets anyway. Nevertheless, I am really not looking forward to a possible crash on the way to school tomorrow.. as I've had enough fiascos regarding une petit car this week already - driving into a ditch, backing into someone's car, running over a bird. Bad things come in threes though, yes? I suppose my bad luck is ended then. At least for now. Touch wood.

the unfortunate incident of the car in the broad daylight of a supermarket carpark with tonnes of witnesses

I must admit, I'm quite scared to think I'm officially being released into the wide world as an adult in less than 2 months, and also that I'm running on 3 days without sleep, and a terrible, terrible caffeine addiction. Due to the previously mentioned no sleep, and way way way too much caffeine, I may or may not have accidentally backed into a car in the supermarket carpark (while on my daily venture into society to buy more no doze). And then sped off really fast. This is what life has done to me. I have turned into a horrible bully who crashes into other people's cars and then doesn't even stay to talk to them about it. I almost feel as if I've been involved in a hit and run. Though, obviously not that bad.

On a happier note, I have 8 assignments to do in the next 3 days. Wait, that's not happy news.. I meant to say I'm listening to Coldplay, which I suppose, if I'm being totally honest here, helps me deal with stress. God this feeling is so weird; being so tired that you can hardly keep your eyes open, combined with the feeling of absolute energy, like, I want to jump around and scream at the top of my lungs for about an hour. Ew, caffeine is really not good for me.

I'm quite scared that someone took my numberplate though, and quite possibly reported me to the police, as there were a number of bystanders when this unfortunate backing-into-somebody's-car-and-then-driving-off incident happened. Or maybe the poor person has followed me home, and is, while we speak, taking to the back of my car with a sledge hammer.

Mm, craving a cigarette, but due to the unfortunate incident of someone taking their anger out on my poor little wee car, I'm too scared to go down there to get them. I'll just stick with caffeine. Not quite the same though. But I suppose I have a choice between lung cancer or heart-palpitations (and possible heart-failure). God I really can't decide. Oh wait, it'll be lung cancer AND having my head bashed in with a sledge hammer, or heart palpitations. Plus I really can't be bothered getting up. Even though I really have to clean my room, as it's getting a little bit feral. But you know, these 8 assignments are really calling to me. FUCK. 8 assignments. How did I let this happen???????

And his beautiful grace

This afternoon, as the sun was just beginning to drop behind the line of buildings, and send a glare into the windscreen of my car, I spotted an almost indistinguishable figure, loping along the pavement to my right. I was turning right, to journey along Goodwood Road, and was wearing my driving sunglasses, those ones that have the slight pattern of tortoiseshell, shaped in the style of wayfarers, and, due to this, the figure was ever more camouflaged. I slid my sunglasses down off the bridge of my nose with one finger, and gazed at this mysterious man. He was wearing a black coat, buttoned to the top, double breasted, black jeans, black shoes, glasses the same as mine, yet black also. And his beautiful grace captivated me, the way he held himself, slightly self consciously, yet with such poise, as he loped along the side of the road, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. I was brought to my senses with a car horn blasting behind me, completely captured by this strange figure, and not noticing the red light had turned green. I crunched into gear with a grimace, and tore off, around the corner in first, forgetting to change, not caring, because I just had to catch a glimpse of this beautiful creature once again. He’d crossed the road by the time I reached where he was, and was standing, leaning casually against a bus stop as I drove, admittedly, quite slowly past him. I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed to be openly staring at a stranger. I feel like we met eyes, but I suppose I couldn’t have known either way if he was looking at the strange girl, with the matching red beret and lipstick, who slowed down to look at him as she drove past, as he was still wearing the black glasses. It felt like we had an understanding of each other, and the left corner of his lips twitched and lifted slightly, so I suppose he must have been looking at something; why not me? I wanted to drive back for a closer look, I even toyed with the idea of getting out and talking to him; he looked like such an intuitive person, and even as I write this, I feel I knew this mysterious stranger, if only for a second. But that probably would have spoiled this encounter. I instead, sped up and changed lanes, turning up the melancholy music that was playing from the speakers. I felt tears pricking my eyes, as I thought how I’d lost a moment that felt unique and special. Ashamedly, I cleared my throat, and thought of something else to take my mind off my perfect, beautiful stranger.

define: disparaging

Can't be bothered being coherent, here are some things that may or may not have something to do with my life:

I am truly and utterly the most confused I have ever been, ever.

On a more important and interesting note, I am hopefully getting my BDO ticket tomorrow! CALVIN HARRIS! Oh My God!

For some reason I am really feeling the Christmas spirit. Bring out the brandy and mince pies.

I've developed a dependence on coffee, and have consumed a thermos full of really strong amazing plunger coffee that I brewed for the perfect amount of time so it was literally the best coffee I have ever made.. err, today, and I'm still feeling the aftereffects a little bit.

I desperately need to clean my room, even though I did so literally three days ago. It looks horrible now. I also want to paint it. But I really don't, I just want another room that I can paint bright red and have it as a second bedroom but probably not sleep in it because I'd probably get really bad nightmares.

It's not letting me download music, which is really shitting me off, as I desperately want to listen to Lior.

Oh t'well. I'm going to learn my drama lines. X

6

I just attempted to write ‘instead’ for about 7 minutes, and wrote ‘sin’ at the start every single time. Weird. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? I keep thinking there are heaps of people in dad’s backyard, but I’m just seeing the washing fluttering in the wind. I’m on my fourth coffee of the day, which is alright really, seeing as it’s a bit past five. But I drank almost half a litre of Red Bull before, so I suppose that cancels out any of the coffees that I forwent earlier. But then again, I’ve only been awake for five hours. Those five hours have gone really quite quickly too, unfortunately for me, as I’ve instead of completing the 4000 words I was meant to, I’ve written on this, and attempted to roll a cigarette with dad’s friend’s tobacco and papers (I’m not even going to talk about that experience because it’s just embarrassing – fuck him for not smoking normal ones that are simple and normal and all you have to do is light them), and drank tonnes of liquids (e.g. coffee and energy drinks) and fantasised a little bit about someone, and put on my red beret, and walked around the house, and written 600 words (which is good, but not as good as 4000), and written depressing, shit poetry, and opened the pantry and closed it again because I remembered I’m on a diet, and fantasised a little more, and mentally slapped myself for fantasising, and listened to way too much French jazz, and procrastinated. I think I’m going to be wired forever, I’m actually buzzing THAT MUCH!!

5

Thank fuck for being able to bullshit my way through things such as reviews, essays and life in general really.

4

I can’t decide whether Red Bull tastes nice or like vomit. I’m really proceeding on my drama review, but I suppose this is procrastination, so I will stop writing this, and return to my actual important homework.

3

I actually feel so motivated right now. My fingers and toes are twitching and I really don’t think i’ve ever typed this fast in my life. Papa has just brought me back a coffee, and seeing as I’ve just drank almost half a litre of Red Bull, and already had 3 coffees today, I’m going to be fucking buzzing till like tomorrow morning.

2

Wow. It’s really hit me. I feel on top of the world! Seriously! I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to crash later though. Probably won’t be the best. But now, I am definitely going to write my two drama reviews, and my drama production report, and hopefully my drama individual study, which, by the way is meant to be performed and moderated (ahhahhahahahhahhahha) next Friday, which incidentally is 9 days from now. Fabulous.

1

I can’t fucking think of any of the words that I want to use. I’ve got that condition, that thing, where I actually honestly cannot remember words for anything. And I mean anything.
I really can’t get motivated. I have lost all motivation. And all my brain cells too most probably. I wonder if Red Bull makes brain cells lost to smoking too much ... ahem ... grow back. Or at least make it easier to concentrate. Quote “it probably just makes you jittery”, but fuck it. I bloody hope it makes me more able to concentrate (I’m currently staring at a 473ml Red Bull can debating whether or not to drink it). I have about 35,000 assignments to do before... being honest, tomorrow.

everybody's starry eyed

Yummy, drinking chai, sitting on the floor of my room at dad’s house, and attempting to do all my school work that is outstanding. Listening to Ellie Goulding, that song again, the one that reminds me of a certain lover. Who, incidentally I hate. Oh dear. That may have been a lie.
Anyway, I’m craving a cigarette so much, this whole quitting lark sucks. I have about six blisters on my feet from my new shoes (which are very nice, but still, painful), and a new really sexy skirt, and I spent a whole hour sitting in front of the toilet last night almost throwing up but not quite. Mm, nice. It was that feeling in your throat where you’re almost about to, but then you can’t, so I gave up and went to bed at 9 pm. Best decision I’ve made all holidays. I woke up this morning to discover it was apparently 10.30 even though it was only 9.30, because of bloody daylight saving. I hate losing an hour.
Because I’m staying at dad’s for this weekend (and apparently the majority of this week), I really have little to do except procrastinate, and put off my homework for one more day, play guitar, and fight with my brother. There’s nobody down here to invite over, or go shopping with, or even drink with. Apart from my dad I guess, but that’s not really one of my favourite pastimes.
Am now listening to some remix of Calvin Harris. Can I just mention Calvin Harris is a bloody genius. Well ok, he’s probably not a genius, but I think I’m a little bit in love with him.
I’m now going to go convince father to restring his guitar, so I can work out some chords that have been bugging me for ages, and then HOPEFULLY come back to this homework. But being honest, it’ll probably take me at least 3 hours. I reckon I will also barter a cigarette off him, because I think my addiction brain cells are about to kill me, they seem that angry!

Never know how much I love you; never know how much I care

So I’m sitting, lonesome, listening to Ella as usual, at Papa’s kitchen table, contemplating my life. This is quite pathetic really. I’m going out tonight, again. I am so overwrought with tiredness and all these fucking toxins; I really have no idea why I would put myself through it again. I also have nothing to wear. Am currently rocking my dirty black skinny jeans, my old dark grey low cut backless top, and my new purple flats, but I feel stupid seeing as I’m actually going out with the girls, and they’ll all be in heels and dresses. Oh well, I’m heading to town hopefully soon (apart from Papa’s got my money, so I have to wait until he’s home to grab it off him, which will probably take longer than I would like), so I might buy a nice top or something there. Maybe. I hate everything. Urgh.

my heart is yours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=406UcAk8cpU
(Old but awesome)

I hate it when people either say 'bf', or write it, if they're not taking the piss. It actually annoys the hell out of me. In bit of an irritable mood. I kindof want to punch everyone and everything in the face. May be because I'm cleaning my room, and also due to my straightner blowing up on the weekend, mother buying me a new one, and it being really shit and ripping out my hair. Oh, and I have no money. Like absolutely none.

Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration, I had a fairly alright day, until just before. Previously however, I wanted to kiss everyone and everything. That's NOT an exaggeration. I think I have the cosmic horn. I think I bloody fancy my piano, so that must count for something yes? Unfortunately though, I have failed at my attempt to quit. I think I might need to go to rehab. They probably don't have rehab for tobacco however. Or spending money for that matter, both terribly unhealthy addictions of mine.

On a more positive note, I think I may be forced to become either asexual or a worm.

My eyes keep crossing and uncrossing. I'm fairly sure I'm not affected by any substances, apart from the 27 panadols I had today. I'm bored and tired. I hate cleaning. This sucks.

As usual, I am completely and utterly confused about life. As usual, I have absolutely no idea what's going on. But after tonight, I feel like everything's slightly better.

It's not often that I get this nostalgic. I think it's the weather.

holiday

Quote of the day:
"What's your dad done with the rhinocerous?"

Thanks mum, you never fail to make my day better.

Ooh, I put on my shoes and I’m ready for the weekend

That’s a lie, I am so not liking this weekend. It’s Saturday, and already I’ve experienced loss, pain and euphoria. Oh, and a smidgen of depression. And that was all last night. Except for the euphoria. That bit was also a lie. I have an infected mosquito bite on my arm, and on my cheek. And unfortunately it’s a really beautiful day. Why does the weather get nice, as soon as I feel like it should be raining, constantly? How ironic. Actually, there’s nothing to report. I have a really boring life. Apart from dad having a marijuana crop in his back shed. I will now proceed to complain about all the things in my life that are shit.

My hair is not behaving, so it’s in a massive bun on top of my head (outcome: I look like a twat), and I have an infected mosquito bite on my cheek. It’s way worse than the one on my arm. I woke up this morning, and it was so itchy, so I itched it. Outcome: now it’s massive and red.

Thursday night I got really drunk, thought about walking home from F’s house, decided against it (even though it’s probably only about 50 metres away). Outcome: yesterday I had the worst hangover ever, at school. It was hell. And last night I was really shitty. Outcome: for some ridiculous reason, I bawled for about two hours. And that’s not even an exaggeration.

I want to go shopping, but I only have $50 to last me until Thursday, but I’m really supposed to be paying my phone bill, which I owe an extra 72 on. Outcome: I have no phone access until I’ve paid it off. Shite. But not having a phone for... 19 days, is actually quite refreshing. Really fucking annoying, but good. Outcome (positive): I don’t send pointless text messages now, like the stupid ones I found in my drafts, drunken ones, which I’ve saved because my phone’s been cut off (because I enjoy being reminded of embarrassing things I’ve written whilst intoxicated). Things like: ‘tgis ir shnply shit’ (translation: ‘this is simply shit’) , and ‘in sooo jealous, i want to but out my own eyebals’ (translation: i’m so jealous, i want to cut out my own eyeballs’ I had my phone on dictionary for this one), etc. Not sure what I was talking about in either of those messages, but eh, whatever. I also found another one saying ‘I’m sorry’ (surprisingly spelt right), with my whole entire phonebook selected as the recipients. Obviously I have collective guilt. Not sure what that means, but probably not the guilt bit, seeing as I can’t seem to feel any kind of emotion that requires a conscience.

Anyway, some good things (with possible downsides) are:
I haven’t had a cigarette for a week and about 12 hours. Since last Friday night. Even though I really want one, right now, and also have been having cravings for most of the time during the past week. And I have no money to buy some more, besides, C has my packet in his underpants drawer. Remind me to get them off him. Downside: I am experiencing crippling cravings. Upside: How good is my alliteration?!

Its only 20 past 3, so I have time to walk down to the shops and buy things. Preferably not food, as I’ve decided to become an anorexic. Downside: loss of money and being hungry forever.

I have a lock on my door, as I am at father bear’s house this weekend, which basically gives me permission to do naughty things in my room that I would otherwise refrain from doing if I didn’t have a lock. Downside: I share a room with my brother.

I have extra time to write my history essay, which is now 799 words. Downside: most of the 799 words is either a) dot points or b) stuff off the internet. c) it is meant to be finished and emailed to my teacher by Sunday night. Which is tomorrow. I really don’t think I’m going to get it done.

I may possibly have either bipolar, or a narcissistic personality. Or both. Downside: is there a downside? If I have bipolar, I get legally prescribed medication, and if I have narcissism, then, well, I just have a huge ego. Why is that a disorder? I think that's pretty awesome actually. Apart from I heard a story about an actual real narcissist, who used to wank in front of a mirror. Not sure if I'd go that far..

Fuck this, I’m going shopping.

I am Jack's broken heart

I feel so sick. I just ate way too much, actually for the past two days I've basically been stuffing my face, really have no idea why. Comfort food probably. Because I haven't got what I wanted? And right now, instead of writing my history essay, which is due tomorrow, and counts for 20% of the overall grade (and I've only written 329 words out of 2000), I'm watching Fight Club. Success is my middle name. But it's probably the best movie ever. I'm up to the bit where Eddy Norton finds out he's actually Tyler Durden. "All the ways you wish you could be, thats me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck. I'm smart, capable, and most importantly, I'm free in all the ways you are not."

If I had the choice, I'd have a alter-ego who fit all those criteria. I reckon that'd be fucking sweet! But anyway.

Got home from work before, and the door to my room was wide open. Bit weird, seeing as it was pitch dark, and raining.. and I'm fairly sure I locked it this morning. And then I realised the key that I leave in the inside wasn't there anymore. So I asked mother and une petit Diablo. Neither of them have taken it apparently. Which is great. There's some random person running around, with the keys to my room. Probably. Actually I think I'm just being paranoid again. To be quite honest, they're probably in my bag. I still am considering getting my lock changed though..

I need a new job. My current one, as a check out chick (woooo) doesn't really pay enough for my ever increasing debts. I owe lots to society, but mostly to my poor phone company. I was thinking, being a porn star would get you shit loads yes? Not sure if I want to get my kit off infront of a camera though. Might be a bit strange, especially as I have a major problem with people seeing me naked anyway.

Edward Norton looks like a massive twat when he's running around in underwear. Wouldn't stop me marrying him though.

why can't i realise, i'm fighting for my life

I am truly in love with him


I hate not knowing where I stand. And not in terms of other people, it makes sense to not know what other people think about you. But just in terms of my own feelings and shit, not knowing what I, myself, thinks is really fucking with my own head. And I'm fairly sure that doesn't even make sense. I'm actually quite used to being a really indecisive person, but it's surprisingly getting to me, for the first time in my life. One thing I do know, however, is that although I pretend not to care about most things, I actually care a hell of a lot. Especially about everything. Ugh, I'm going to go try and sort my head out. It might actually have to involve pharmaceuticals.

jesus

My knees are throbbing. And I have no idea what to do.

???

And I just went through my documents folder, because I really like procrastinating, and found all these awesome quotes, from me and other sources and they’re all fucking brilliant hahahha:

'you’ve always been selfish. Thats ok. you used to do things because you wanted something.. fine. makes sense. but now, now, you do things because you can. you fuck with people.
(I find that sometimes when I’m not meaning to, I find all these things that relate to my life like so much.. weird isn’t it)

Naomi: Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires and he doesn't have the bottom to reach out for them. So, he goes mad, wanks off about Ophelia, and as it's so boring, somebody has to kill him.Josie: I'm not sure that's right. Th-there's no wanking in Hamlet.Naomi: Mmhh yeah, there is. Loads. Only, they call it 'Soliloquy'
(And we’re even doing Hamlet in English at the moment. This is well creepy..)

"this is my bed. it would like to meet you... and get to know you..."
And that ^^ was a quote from this one time when I was upset and my best friend was trying to cheer me up, and it really worked hahhaha

l'amour

moi, être un idiot - aussi, parvenir éventuellement le sexe oral de la statue

I’m sitting in dad’s new kitchen, as he and his friend and une petit Diablo are off gallivanting around the place (as usual). They have left me to eat stale salt and vinegar chips and some weird tasting caramel latte thing out of a packet, and I’m really not enjoying myself too much, however there is a bottle of vodka next to the microwave which I may possibly steal. Hahah, I’m really not that low a person.
Yesterday, I drank a bottle of wine at lunch, and ran around the botanic gardens with a cohort of equally whitely dressed people (it was a white picnic). And then I returned home to a family dinner party and I was still a wee bit trashed, and I had to greet the familie pretending not to be, and my aunt (Mum’s sister) looked at me in disgust because, to put it how maman put it, she has ‘antipathy’ towards me, which reminds me of ‘antipasto’ because I’m craving bocconcinis and dolmades right now, but my aunt ‘P’, looked at me in disgust (may have had something to do with the tiny shirt dress I was wearing, and also that I smelt like way too much CK perfume to cover up what I’d been smoking), and I felt awkward, and went to the kitchen and drank 6 cups of water in a row, and my uncle (Mum’s brother), who was in the kitchen stirring the curries, took one look at me and asked me if I was on drugs. Successful day. Oh, and then I drank like 3 more glasses of wine at dinner, and basically almost threw up a number of times, but the food was too good to throw it up so I just felt really sick, and lay on the floor in front of the TV, watching Angelica Houston play the Grand High Witch in the movie interpretation of Roald Dahl’s ‘The Witches’, which by the way is shit.
On Friday, I came home at about 11, feeling like crap and had a huge shower, and then proceeded to get really really horny and call my best friend complaining about how I couldn’t have anyone over because that would be weird (even though I had the house to myself), and it was really crap and terrible and I wanted to hit myself over the head with something really heavy.
And now, I’m sitting at the table of dad’s new house (which I already mentioned), and I’m meant to be writing my Individual English Essay, which is so far 681 words out of the 2000 that it’s meant to be, and due tomorrow, and the other day mother told me father told her that I’d have to repeat Year 12 next year, which I wouldn’t do even if I failed, because that would be shit. I’ll just move to Greece, and live on a boat and do nothing all day. Thankyou, goodnight.

i've been fragile for a long time

You fucked up for the last time, you think you got everyone figured out. We're living in a glasshouse, coz everythin's shattering all around.

That's how I felt before, except then I had a bit of a bawl, and am now in an exceedingly good mood, due to the fact that aunty flow is almost leaving ahahahha yes boys and girls, only another 2 days, and I'm listening to The Beatles (which always helps), and father bear picked up my jacket off layby today, which I am bloody STOKED about, as it is literally the sexiest thing I've seen since, probably sliced bread. Not that I think sliced bread is sexy. Actually I wonder if there is such a thing as a fetish for bread. I mean you'd think there would be, as theres fetishes for about everything else.. including vomit. How fucked up is that?!? Hahahhahah.

Just before I had a little cry, maman came into my room, and asked me how I was, and due to everything just piling up and stressing me out and weighing me down, I answered 'shit' and started tearing up. I then confessed to something, to which she then replied 'it's probably from all the sex you have'. Which made me giggle a little bit. Because obviously, that's just completely untrue ahahh. Anyway, had an alright day, got a bit pissy at the end, but now I'm feeling alright again.

I also just found this which is so amazing:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt... gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love.

Wow I've just complained for so much of this. Anyway, this is what I wore sometime ago.. I look like a massive dick but whatever. I've been staring at this computer screen for so long I feel like my eyes are about to pop out of my head.

well you tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks

I think I've become a fucking insomniac again. Okay, it's not actually that late, but still. And what the fuck, I'm listening to Orgasm Addict..
I'll try harder to get to sleep I reckon. The problem is, if I go to sleep, I might not be able to wake up properly in the morning ahha. And there's always what I dream about, and having to contain myself if I see people the next day who were involved in my dreams. Actually I'm probably just a really really sexual person.
Sort of like this, except not really.

;

"All life is like spelled out in an alphabet of chemicals, man, two helices spiraling around each other and it's the same way for all the animals and plants and everything."
- the guy that invented LSD. What a legend.

we're in a mess babe

I just wandered around my room for almost an hour, in nothing but undies, with a feather stuck into my hair, and a massive turquoise necklace on. I fancied myself a little bit of an amazonian princess. But then mum spoiled the moment by walking in (it was slightly awkward until I put a top on), and having a go at me about all this homework I should've done, that I really really haven't. Speaking of which, I have an essay on Hamlet due on monday, that I've only written about 80 words on. And I got up at 11 to actually DO homework too. My life is such a failure. And something smells like it's burning.

The other night I had a dream that I met frankmusik and had sex with him. I honestly have such strange dreams. I swear there was a tiger or something involved in the dream too..

I'm so confused right now, as of this whole entire week. It's been really really shit from about tuesday till now, and as I've been really emotional from then (probably obvious what that means), and am going out tonight, I unfortunately cannot make the most of.. well anything really. And shit, I just realised my undies are on inside out. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA. I think I may be manic-depressive. I seem to swing from really happy to really sad in, literally, a matter of seconds. But back to my confusion (which, by the by may have something to do with my disorder??), everything is not really going well. And although something sortof did work itself out, I still so don't even get how it's sorted itself out. See, I'm not even making sense right now. And I just realised what the burning smell was. It was my straightner, that has been sitting on my quilt ever since I turned it on, about 40 minutes ago. I really honestly think there's something wrong with me.

Meanwhile, I've still got the feather in my hair, and I desperately need to finish my Hamlet essay, as I'm going out later, and working tomorrow. I also need to figure out what I'm wearing. And I lost my shoes that I really wanted to wear tonight. I seriously have no idea where they are.

Wish I could roll cigarettes, and that I had longer hair, and that we had a freaking mirror in the bathroom. Also that I had money to pay my phone bill (that is now approaching 300 dollars, and also to buy new shoes and things, and my polaroid film that's been waiting at the camera shop since I ordered it 3 weeks ago because I don't have enough money to buy it with hahahha), and more time to do my homework in. Ugh, life is way too hard.

Listening to The Smiths (as usual), and So Frenchy So Chic albums (which I listen to when dejected, but only the depressing ones). Found lots of pictures of beautiful women before. On top of everything else, I'm now going to have to deal with the mayhem that probably comes with not knowing if you're actually a lesbian or not. (I'm going to say I'm probably not, I just like beautiful women.. maybe it's penis envy?? Or maybe I'm in denial.)

stay, or forever go

Drama play all this week; we got moderated tonight, and I think it went well. At least there wasn't a fucking great spider on stage right in front of where I was sitting, like last night. Pretty bloody tired though. Woke up in a really good mood, happy as a fucking clam, and then proceeded one of the worst days I've ever had. May have something to do with the amount of unexpected mood swings I had to deal with (yes, I'm female, fuck off).

I accidentally took up smoking again, shit. Came home, freaked out because I felt like crying, and also had moderation tonight, smoked as moodily as possible, wrote some seriously fucked up poetry, got a call from a private number, got even more shitty, dumped clothes and stuff all over my room, daydreamed a bit about what would be happening if things were better, and then went back to school to get ready for our play.

After my monologue, and after most of my stuff on stage had been done, I drank a really really strong coffee (and I'm fairly sure the milk was off), ate 3 shitty orange creme biscuits, bitched about how much I hate boys, had an amazing d&m with the star of the show (pretty much anyway), Henry IIV. Talked to the executioner about coming back to my house and getting really drunk, but as we both have school tomorrow, decided it wouldn't be a very good idea. I'm now sitting in bed, feeling a bit sick, unhappy, really wired and like I want to stab someone, and cry (at the same time). I'm also listening to Only This Moment which isn't helping either because I listened to it in History a while back, also when I was in a crappy mood, so it's bringing back painful memories of that day. And god I hate being in denial.

Wish I was here

i ended up with sore lips

The Smiths goes wonderfully on a rainy winter afternoon!

oh god

I'm reading things from http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ and they're all really lame, unlike usual, where I piss myself laughing, while I'm by myself, and it's kinda embarrassing so I kinda stop, but can't because they're actually so funny. Right now, the only reaction I've had to any of them was a slight sarcastic snort, and even that's lame, as I'm sitting in bed by myself, just after midnight, on a sunday night..
My life is so great.

has the perrier gone straight to my head?

Listening to The Smiths, daydreaming about things.., and really wanting to be asleep right now, but loving the rain. Had a sweet dream last night, unfortunately I was woken up just where it was getting really good, by a stupid phonecall. I was well pissed off. Overall a good weekend though. Could've been better. That's just my wishful thinking. Bollocks hahah.

This is me and the loves of my life on friday night:

disrupt us

The best antidote for being in a shit mood is listening to Miss You Less, See You More, by Faithless, and eating tom yum for breakfast. Don't judge me..

Now I'm off to do some notes for history. Probably 13 pages, like last time!

three words, eight letters. say them, and I'm yours

I'm bored and its probably too late for me to be up, because I have to be at school in like 8 hours. But I'm sad, and lonely, and I want to be with someone and I'm not, all I have to comfort me is the soothing sounds of Chris Martin's voice, singing me (The Scientist) to sleep.


Update...
However, I do have some funny mementos from facebook chat (oh so cool), over the evening.. to possibly cheer me up ahhah

A
hhaha hes a fuckface
aha go to bed
B
i ammmm
A
or write a funny tired blog
B
i did ahhahha

the sea is a molten sheet of gold under a cotton floss sky

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night (and occasionally at dawn), grab my phone from my bedside table, and write poetry in it. Haven't done it for ages, but I used to do it all the time - I think I get really insightful while I'm asleep ahah. Some of the stuff I just found in my drafts:

He peered at me through a frosted glass window of confusion - 2.30am

Having a conscience is brutal - 1.16am

He was the only one that would look at me, and talk to me like I was worth anything - 12.18am

It's not what is said, but the intention that it is said with, that has much impact - 11.40pm

I woke up last night and my bed was in a midnight river of tiny silver stars - 6.18am

And a story that I wrote in my sleep (yeah, I don't get it either)..

It was so right, and so wrong to want someone this way. He'd spent half an hour in her company, and already he'd had 13 fantasies - 12 of which involved her and himself, and the 13th involved her, him, and her best friend... which was weird for him, as he was usually quite conservative in his daydreaming, but, nevertheless, made him ache in a way that was both uncomfortable, and at the same time, really very pleasant.

Actually, I think I had a dream along those lines, and woke up and wrote it in my phone.. I'm fairly sure in the dream, the boy and the girl were walking along a pebbled beach at sunset. How cute!

I wish I could make a living from writing poetry. That would actually be such a good life.

I got asked to go for a run with my neighbour in like half an hour. Not too keen to do exercise to be honest, haven't done any proper exercise for probably about a year, don't know why I should start now..

It was such an amazing day today, I was filled with love for so much of it, apart from when I almost passed out in drama, no bloody idea why, but I had a terrible dizzy spell, and then decided I should probably go eat something. I ate almost $5 worth of brazil nuts before too, and am feeling well sick now.

Due to the amazing weather, and my great feeling of love, I have decided that I don't care if people use me, as long as they do. Which is slightly masochistic of me, but who give a fuck, I want what I want, and I'm prepared to be in pain even because of it. Jesus, I'm truly screwed up!

Listening to:
Pull My Heart Away - Jack Peñate (yeah I know, iTunes single of the week's a bit embarrassing, but his voice is bliss, and especially how he pronounces 'wall' and 'hall', I swear I'm in love)
Courtship Dating - Crystal Castles
Such A Rush - Coldplay (another unreleased song from like 1998)

don't answer that..

I think I figured out a possible reason for my crazy ass antics. And that is,
I am actually in love.
Not sure how that solves my 'I don't know' problem, but it might? Hahahahah.

good girls go bad

Oh yessssss, raining again, for the third night in a row. I love rain at night, I'm fairly sure nothing could get better. Except for rain on a warm night, and thunderstorms in summer. Like the other day, it was so warm, and at 11 at night it was still amazing, and there was lightning everywhere and it was so beautiful, and I really just obviously can't get over how amazing it was.

Hahahah mum just walked in and told me my posture was terrible and that I'm going to not have any muscles in my stomach if I keep sitting like this. To be quite honest, I have no idea what my stomach and my posture have to do with each other but okay.. hahha.

Actually, it's stopped raining now, bit of a disappointment, due to my huge love for rain.

"Can I have your old phone?"
"No."
"Why?"
"It's broken."
"No it's not."
"Well, it is, I dropped it in a toilet.."

Jesus, and now my brother is crying, because.. well I don't actually know why. Mum treats him like an absolute baby, even though he's 10. He should bloody well know how to take care of himself. I had to be self sufficient from the age of 9. Ok, not completely self sufficient, but emotionally self sufficient. Yeah, I think I'm really screwed up. I probably have a personality disorder. Actually, today in Psych, we were picking out all the personality disorders that apply to people we know, and there's a surprising lot of them. About three applied to me. Mum thinks I'm really really selfish. I'm not, I'm just taking care of myself. I have to think about myself a lot, because no one else takes any care of me. Hahah. Not that I really need anyone to take care of me, but a maid or something might be nice..

Been listening to See You Soon by Coldplay (I think it's unreleased or something), which is amazing, and so indicative of my mood the past few days. Actually, I was in such a good mood last week, due to the sweeet weather. Unfortunately I think my mood died yesterday, and I've been kind of crap ever since. Yeah ok, it's been like 36 hours but hey.

Oh and It's My Own Heart That Makes Me Cry by Glasvegas actually makes me cry! Okay, that's a lie, but it almost does. Norah Jones also doesn't ever go amiss.

I just had a massive craving to watch Sex and the City. I think I might go have a bath however, seeing as there's nothing better to do (except homework maybe, or because it's so bloody hot in my room, go sit outside on the wet pavement..). Hmm, whatever.


Ps: I want to live in an apartment like this. And I want a bedroom like this:


Except not missing someone. And I love The Dreamers, and her

maps, to my heart

Oh god, why must I be like this?



So long this night,
It's not quite our time.
Now there's nothing left to say,
Just goodnight.

000

Oh god. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach where I know something bad's going to happen. Not that it has, and it won't happen, not now. But I'm not really sure, sometime soon, something bad will happen, something that I want, that's so terribly wrong. And then I get that feeling.

i just wanna kiss you

As usual, my life is actually way too thrilling for words. Last friday night, I went out with the girls, and thrillingly didn't get asked for id, mainly because the bouncers fell in love with all of us. I may possibly use this to my advantage again this weekend..

Found out something so humiliating today, and I felt like absolute crap for several minutes after being told - nevertheless, got over it quick enough. I probably shouldn't share so much of myself with people. Ironic - this seems to be an underlying theme in my life.. that I'm just way too open. Emotionally and physically probably. Hahahah.

Listening to:
Stepping stone - Duffy (its a bit boring, but its about not letting people step on you which probably applies to my life so yes)
S Club 7 (mainly because they're awesome)
The Smiths
Coeur de Pirate
and some early Sinatra, just coz I can
Bit of a contrast there.. hahahha.

Watched the latest episode of True Blood, ep 8 of season 2 I think it was.. And I've fallen a little bit in love with Godric. I can't figure out what his accent it. I think he may be slightly Dutch maybe?

Still no bathroom, absolutely devastated about that, I'm so sick of washing my hair in the bath. Which I should've done earlier, seeing as Spooks is on in 25 minutes, and it takes so much longer than that to have a bath... Hmm.

Also, I hate people that head fuck with me. It really confuses me, and shits me, and I don't fucking know where I stand. Not that I want to stand anywhere. I had a dream about parachuting the other day. Funny thing was, I was having sex in the air. Odd.

?

"Welcome to struggling artistry. To dreams that have gone by the wayside refusing to die. To hope."

From something or other.
More later.. x

err

Hahahah I just picked up my last 15 baked beans individually with my fork.

ahem

That was quite probably the most exhilarating walk I've ever been on. No, actually that's a lie. It was just really windy. Anyway, I got back almost an hour ago, and so far, I've actually dont pretty much nothing, except calculate some things on my phone, and wonder about how I'm going to get away with no ID for my friend's 18th thing tomorrow night.. and also what I'm going to wear. Which probably won't matter either way, seeing as I'll be kicked out within probably 10 minutes anyway..

Being in a state of unrequieted love is really fucking shit. Not that it's love particularly. But still.

.

It's an absolutely glorious day! This morning I woke up and opened my doors for my cat to go outside, and just standing there in my bra and undies was absolutely amazing, it wasn't even cold and there was this gorgeous breeze, and I didn't even get goosebumps. So, therefore, I became full of love for almost the whole day. However, as is usual in my life, things don't go according to plan. People were wankers, and I found myself sinking into my usual feeling of self loathing, and everything loathing, and I became filled with hate for everyone, and everything. But eventually, mainly becuase of this amazingly amazing weather in winter, I started getting optimistic once again, and have now decided to go for a walk in the sunlight!

ridiculous!

Someone keeps ringing me on a private number. Well ok, it's only been twice but I really really hate that. It's so annoying, I pick up and go "Hello?" and nothing. And then they stayed on the line for like 10 seconds without saying anything and me going "Who is this??" a number of times, and then hung up which is fucking creepy. God, my life is so interesting.

I'm seriously thinking I might light up in my room. Fuck lung cancer, fuck everything, I may have slightly given up. But only slightly.

However, I have completely and utterly given up on keeping a clean room. I haven't cleaned it for, no joke, like probably 16 weeks. It is an absolute tip, and everytime mum comes in to distribute clothes I've left lying around the house, she makes this outraged face, and goes "YUCK" really loudly and then walks out. It's actually a disgrace though, I'm not sure if I can even call myself a human being anymore. However, it's quite exciting whenever I pick something up off the floor, because there's usually something under it that I haven't seen for a while, so I guess it raises the positive surprise stakes (if that even makes sense??)

Slightly obsessed with jazz, such as Ella Fitzgerald and things.. Also Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra are always a winner.

But however, I have this note taking and text book questions thing due for history tomorrow, and I've only noted like 6 pages so far which is really crap, as if we don't hand it in, we'll get zero. Jesus he's such a fucking fascist pig. But yes, either history work or bath.. which is it to be. Probably eating actually, I think I'm pregnant, the amount of shit I have been craving, buying and then eating this week is insane. Hopefully I'm not going to get really really fat, but knowing my luck with life in general, I'll blow up like a balloon by the time I'm 20, and then have a heart attack at 23. The prospects are not good.

all i want from you are three little words

I'm listening to my brother hobbling around on his crutches, and it's really quite annoying. Bang bang bang bang bang. I can also hear in the background, him talking to mum..
"If I ever get really really rich, I'll give all my money to you and dad and charities."

He's really pissed off with me because I refused to make him a milkshake before. Mum got angry with me, and told me I was selfish, and I replied "He's not a cripple, he's just got a broken leg." and then he said "I can't hold anything!" to which I said "You hold things with your feet?" Yeah, my whole family hates me just because I didn't make one of them a fucking milkshake. Jesus.

Anyway, I'm watching Tony's ep of Skins season 2, which is probably one of my favourites, mainly because it's just really effed up, apart from Effy's ep of season 1. I should however, be having a bath (still no shower, fuck my life), and getting ready for bed, but I truly can't be arsed.

"Coward, fucking coward."
"Coward."
"Wanker."

I'm really craving a cigarette, even though I gave up over a month ago. I fell off the wagon a few times, but only because I had been drinking and was just being crap as usual. I swear, I either need to stay sober forever, or just get drunk alone, because whenever I'm around people I just make a massive dick of myself by being way too honest (or just making up shit, either one, I'm not sure which I do more of), or just get really pathetic and cry. Or, I fuck everyone. My life is pathetic and shameful. God.

me + maman

This is a conversation had just before and during my washing hair in the sink escapade. The kitchen sink was full of grease and shitty stuff, due to the plates and things being washed in it. Obviously I thought this was really yuck, so I complained..

"Yuck, the sink is really gross." *fake dry retch* - me
"Stop being so girly." - mum
"What's wrong with being girly?"
"It's weak."
"But that's like saying that crying is pathetic or something." (Which I did not say to my brother earlier this evening... massive hypocrite, oops.)
"No it's not. But being girly is just giving up, and all the feminists who worked their arses off to get equal rights for you would not be happy."
"But they'd think that, like, wearing deoderant was being girly." (Little bit of a stereotype here, sorry to any deoderant wearing feminists who may get offended by this statement.)

At this point, mum walked off because I was taking the piss a bit, and I'm fairly sure she was trying to have a serious conversation with me.. By this time, I was upside down in the sink, with shampoo in my hair. She came back after a while, and then we started talking about chivalry or something..

"But why do people say that chivalry shouldn't be dead then? Isn't expecting that just being girly?" - me
"No, its just good manners."
"Mmm.."
"Do you really want someone to look after you your whole life?"
"Well.. Ha. Noo.. But I think I might need someone to look after me right now, or I might drown in the sink."

Pathetic attempt to lighten the mood. It may just have worked though hahah.

Really loving frankmusik, completely sexually in love with him ahhh ;D
And I really love Ellie Goulding, Starsmith and his remix of Marina and the Diamonds 'I Am Not A Robot'. It's really sexy!
Love to all x

why

(F+TM)
You hit me once
I hit you back
You gave a kick
I gave a slap
You smashed a plate over my head
Then I set fire to our bed

Now there's no rolling back, I'm aching to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground

"I think they like kissed and stuff.."
"Which means they made out and were naked together."

jingle of pocket change, pulsing

I've changed my mind. I'm never letting anyone know anything about me, again, ever.

im standing on a stage

At least it's all out in the open now..
Which is good.
I think.
That's my new philosophy, seeing as when I drink, I find it impossible to either keep my mouth shut, or stop myself from being pathetic and crying hahah, so I may as well just be really honest when I'm sober too.
No more secrets! Well thats a massive lie, I'm obviously going to have secrets (my dad always tells me that 'discretion' is the key - ironic coming from him, but anyway), just I'm not going to bottle myself up. And necessary things will inevitably come out. Like if i hate people. Or if I, unfortunately do not hate them.

Listening to I feel blue by Lakasha, which is basically amazing. And it's calming my head, which I really need right now, seeing as I drank a bit over half a bottle of vods (YUCK) and some gin last night. Why do I have no limit?? It's a curse, I swear. But at least I had a shower this morning, which was heavenly. No, our bathroom isn't finished yet, I stole someone elses hah.

Work in an hour, also a curse. I am so amazingly hungover, and I really feel like death. Off to find some coffee or any type of caffeine. Woo yeah, it's gonna be a good day.

...later on

Today was one of those days where I found it impossible to concentrate on one thing, and my mind kept jumping from one thought to another..
"oh, i feel sick"
"fucking hell, get your mind out of the gutter"
"i didn't mean to dream that"
"and god i wish i hadn't dreamt it"
"stop staring, you're being obvious"
"god i hate her, she's such a bitch"
"i actually wouldn't mind if everyone died"
"thats a massive lie"
"what a fucking prick"
"is it normal to think this?"
and etcetera.
Which kind of disturbs me, as most of the things I think are completely innapropriate, and as I am writing this, indeed, I'm thinking of a very annoying STUPID subject, which is starting to annoy me greatly, as ever since the other weekend, I finally realised something, and from then on I've been trying not to think about it, to get myself to stop feeling it, which by the way never works, so if you're trying to stop thinking about something, don't tell yourself not to think about it, because you inevitably do. (think about it I mean)
Probably speaks for itself, as I'm not making any sense whatsoever, what that's actually about.
Fuck I hate males.

baby, you're the one to blame

I want to be a sort of eclectic mysterious woman, who could wear a feather mask and get away with it. Except that's a lie, I just want to have a masquerade party and wear this

mmmm yess

I found this on filthy lust.

It's just amazing, and I really really want it baddddly! It's so pretty and sexy at the same time, and I can just imagine me walking around in my parisian apartment, wearing it and nothing else, except for maybe a flower in my hair. Nice bit of imagery there.. hah.

Lakasha

I also thought I'd just mention I'm slightly obsessed with listening to french jazz, drinking coffee, and inducing a huge feeling of longing and nostalgia. Not sure why, it's probably not even good for me.

I feel blue - Lakasha
La pluie qui tombe - Daniel Darc
J'attends - Hocus Pocus
Pâle Septembre - Camille
Qui De Nous Deux - M
Partie de Golf - Ridan
Le Jeune Homme Changé en Arbre - Jerome Attal

are just a few.
Actually only like one of those is kinda jazz (smooth of course). But still, it's nice to listen to and also to help fall into a kind of weird depression that is actually really a massive turn on. Not in that way, but it's really pleasant. Yep, just another obvious reason I'm way too fucked up for words.
Yeahh, off to get ready for work now. I'll get frostbite. X

my body is a cage

I had a dream a few nights ago that my imaginary dream man promised me he'd break up with his girlfriend for me. Which probably tells you something about my subconcious self.. And that is, that I most probably have serious issues. Commitment, jealousy, fidelity issues to name a few. I don't think it's a particularly good idea to try and psycho-analyse myself, because as I have mentioned in previous posts, I'm way too fucked up to even think about doing that.

Formal and after-party were on, this weekend just gone. Probably the best night of my life, except for when I got a bit too emotional, which was a combination of alcohol, high emotions (which were already occurring), and way too obvious revelations (that I already knew about - mainly because they were in my head) that really fucked me off, due to them almost ruining the night. But I didn't let that happen, and continued with my night (even though I'd cried off all my eye makeup.. pathetic!), until about 7 oclock in the morning, slept for 2 hours on the floor of someone's car, and woke at 9, still really quite intoxicated.


Just before getting into the stretch Hummer we'd hired (god knows why..). It was truly amazing though, best ride down to the city I've ever had in my life.


Me and Rrrrrraaachel in it, being pretty happy due to the amazingness of the night


Me, on the left, H in the middle, C on the right. I really don't know why I wore such little clothing. Oh well.

yeah

I feel like such a lesbian right now, because I'm printing 8 whole pages of pretty girls. I actually am though.. It is for my hair and makeup appointment tomorrow, but still, it's a tiny bit freaky. Not that I mind though, they're all really really hot. And I may possibly actually have a girl crush on Kaya Scoledario (I thiiink that's how you spell it..). But I actually do. Well, it's more of a 'I want to be her' type crush, as opposed to 'I want to have sex with her' thing. Anyway, I love her. But I suppose if someone is half brazilian, they're bound to be really really sexy.

my lord, he hath importuned me with love

We're doing hamlet in english at the moment, and boy oh boy it makes me want to kill someone. On the rare occasion the language Willy Shakespeare uses actually strikes a chord, I feel inclined to write it down, as the rest of the play is fucking vague and depressing. I can't believe that everyone just dies. I reckon that if you're tempted to write a play about 'regicide' or whatever, where everyone ends up dead, you should probably just stop, think, and not do it.
Ok, that was a bit of a lie, I actually like hamlet, it's probably something that everyone can relate to - unrequieted love and all that.

Formal tomorrow night, and oh I'm really quite excited! Apart from the digital camera mummy bought me yesterday doesn't actually register when I plug it into my laptop, so apparently I'm not going to be getting any photos off it after tomorrow! Which is a bit disappointing! But I'm so excited for formal, I'm not going to let it get to me, and I'm going to continue putting exclamation marks after every sentence!

As anyone who pays any attention to my life would know, our bathroom is being renovated, and unfortunately it's not going to be finished before tomorrow which therefore means that I can't have a proper shower before formal, which also means that when I try to exfoliate and shave, all my dead skin and hair will go all over me seeing as we only have a bath. Which means EW. And this also means that when I wash my hair, the shampoo and conditioner will probably not come out properly which really shits me off. I really hate builders!

But I'm pretty excited because my dress is so good, and so's all my jewellery and stuff. And anyway, we actually have an after formal party which is so good, and before mum told me not to vomit there, and then went on to tell me about how at her 21st birthday party, she drank too much, and vomited all over herself, which I am proud to note, I have never ever done, and never ever plan to do! Especially not tomorrow night!

I am currently listening to Josh Thomas and 'friend' podcast which is absolutely fucking hilarious, so I seriously recommend downloading it. It's really awkward and like funny because they're both just so cute hahaha. And that is why I'm a bit distracted, apart from thinking about formal.. Anyway, I'm going to go exfoliate in my own dead skin bath now. I'll probably have a really good time though.

Stanley

I'm fairly sure there's a difference between being scared of dogs, and not wanting to go near them. For example, when me and Maman were in the camera shop before (ps, she bought me a new camera yayayayay I loove her so much!!), bargaining with the camera man, there was a massive bark and both me and mum yelled our heads off, and the camera man laughed. He then proceeded to pull away this curtain that was covered the entrance to the back of the shop, to reveal the most butt ugly (but still somehow cute?!?!?) dog I have ever seen in my life.
A bull terrier I think it was. Anyway, the camera dude tells me to go pat it, and I hesitated, because I haven't had the best experiences with dogs.. But he insisted, so I walked over and patted Stan the dog on the nose, and he fucking bit my arm. I really really don't like being near dogs. I'm not scared of them, they're just shit.

um yuck..?

I just ate a bowl and a half of soup, a mars bar, and a tub of cottage cheese. Yuck, how disgusting. But there's finally an after party planned for after formal this saturday night yay! Planning on staying up the whole entire night, so yeah I'll be a pretty sight sunday morning. Plus it's being held in marquees, in a paddock.

Customers are so odd, you really get the weirdest people coming into work sometimes. This evening, a lady came into work, with her son I guess, and spent about an hour (not even joking), walking around the shop picking things up and putting them down again. Except that's not really unusual, coz she does it every 3 weeks or so.. but anyway. And then, after spending ages in the shop, she went to the checkout and bought $102 worth of groceries. Really? Did she need that much stuff? No, not really. Don't think she could afford it either, seeing as she asked for the eggplants to be weighed and when they cost more than a dollar, she was like "no, I won't be getting those today". WELL STOP FRICKING PICKING UP UNNECESSARY THINGS YOU STUPID BITCH. She then proceeded (after she's payed for everything), to roll a cigarette, the slowest I have ever seen anyone roll one, and I MEAN anyone, in the fricking shop, and then light it just outside the door, so it blew in and the shop stank like smoke for the whole entire time we were packing up. Alright, I shouldn't really mind about that, but she's just so frustrating and slow and I'm fairly sure if I wasn't such a nice person I would've hit her by now.

There's also a man who comes in who actually looks like a bad 90's porn star. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds about right. And today I served a lady who at the end of our 'interaction' I suppose you could call it, asked me where I lived. I lied, and told her some random road and she replied "ohh it's lovely up that way, you're pretty lucky". Yeah, I think she's a bit crazy.

???

I just spent 47 unnecessary minutes on the internet, when I could've been sleeping, and when I finally snapped out of my induced stupor, there was a baby huntsman sitting on the floor, right next to my bed. And now it's climbing up the skirting board, trying to get into bed with me. Fuck spiders. Except fuck school even more. In 7 and a half hours, I have to be up...

late late

Having no bathroom is hell. I do not envy homeless people, or the less fortunate than me (usually), who lack showers on a daily basis. I actually started crying before because I was craving a shower so much, and I couldn't have one. I really think these builders are like a test from God or something equally ridiculous - how long can this family survive without equipment to wash with. I mean really.

I feel like getting really fucking drunk, and lying on my floor pretending to be a starfish. I'd probably freeze to death though. Shit. Oh, and I have school in the morning. Great, I have to wake up at 7, to go and stand on the front verandah with a couple of buckets to wash myself with. Especially my hair. Ugh life is way too hard. I'm going to retire after I finish this year, and move to France, so I can eat croissants and drink coffee all day. I'd probably get really fat though. There's actually a downside to everything.

Saturday, 18th of July

I had the funniest night last night. What started off as a night with a tonne of possibilities, turned out as a hilariously shitty night spent dancing round my best friend's house being an absolute idiot, and then watching rage until 12.30, going to bed, and talking about dare I say it, vaginas, until 2am. And, she thought, until I enlightened her with my extensive knowledge about the subject, that girls actually pee out of their vaginas. Hahaha, I'm not even joking, and it's actually really sad that no one had thought to tell her that there's actually another hole for that.

Now, I'm holed up in my crap bedroom, that looks like a pit, because I haven't cleaned it in about 16 weeks, watching 90210, on a saturday night, feeling like I want to hit someone, because there's apparently nothing on tonight, and everyone's decided to suggest I have something at my house, even though it's getting renovated, there's nowhere to accomodate people who probably want to play drinking games, and I don't really feel like getting drunk in front of my mum tonight.

Yippee. Except I think there might be some party on in some obscure place that I've never even heard of, which Rachee probably doesn't want to go to because it's too freezing cold, but maybe we'll end up going there. I've got no idea. But I think I'll have a breakdown if I don't do anything tonight, seeing as I really have a massive urge to go out. Haha.

But anyway, I found these pictures, and they just massively inspired me. To do what, I'm not so sure, but some inspiration is better than nothing, even if you don't know what to do with it, right?