its late, and i'm feeling so tired

I've become convinced that there's a gigantic wind monster that resides just outside my double doors, and seems to have a penchant for trying to get in. And it just started to rain. Ohh boy do I love winter. But I'm actually not being sarcastic, it's probably my favourite time of year. Especially as tomorrow I'm going to spend the whole entire day indoors, in my new harem pants (yayyyyyyyyyyy), with hot chocolate and K, in front of the fire, doing history revision. Ok, the revision probably isn't the best, but the rest of it is. Rain + fire + hot chocolate + indoors = happiness!

oh yes

"I think I crossed a line.."
"Oh baby, it ain't possible to live until you're crossing somebody's line.."

addict

"If we do this, we really did this." - True Blood

anecdote of the day:

Happiness is not having what you want,

It's appreciating what you have.

only this moment holds us together

I've recently discovered that I shut off when talking about feelings.

..?

Well, I'm watching Zack and Miri make a porno which is actually pretty bloody hilarious..
"I will be your sherpa up the mountain... of gayness."

I just painted my nails bright red, and I really feel like going to bed, I'm so amazingly tired, and its only like 6 o'clock. I think there's something wrong with me..

la la la

Hmm, finally finished cleaning my room.
It doesn't look very clean.

Dum Spiro Spero

I don't like crampy legs, they hurt and I can't actually move them now, they've actually cramped into paralysis. Oh gosh, my knees :l
I've been attempting to clean my room for, oh, about 4 hours now, and so far I've folded about two pairs of pants, and like 3 tops, and everything else is still on my floor and it's actually such a pit, I'm almost tempted to move out, just so I can have a fresh start.
Boring and tiring weekend, friday night I drank way too many gin and tonics (see below), and last night, I had a bonfire which was fun but I think I drank a bit too much milk and vodka - which is sickening by the way. Worked yesterday and today. Bored out of my brain, my legs are asleep, so is my brain, and my life is so bloody uninteresting.
So anyway, this is me, on friday night taking pictures of myself whilst drunk, against a red background in some random toilet cubicle (I don't even remember where it was..)



Happy sunday, boring life.
Good news though, apart from that I'm probably an alcoholic.. I'm downloading tonnes of remixes and stuff, of La Roux, and it's really goood and making me happy-ish. Well as happy as I could be.

sexy time

But not really. Earlier, me and E were drinking and smoking menthols next to a sexy fire, and suddenly there was a rustling from behind us, and a massive great black beast of a dog trotted up, sniffed our knees, licked our bottles, and fucked off.
Really, could my saturday night have got any better??? I think not.
Anyway, this was us earlier, before we became massively asleep and dead and also before we got in the shower to wash off the dog saliva. Hah.



Newsflash:
We love foals a great deal. We love boys who give us foals. We dislike boys who don't come to bonfires. We love being naked together. In a non-lesbian way. But really, why is there such a massive 'thing' about being nude. I personally think that everyone should be naked, all the time. If it wasn't so effing cold at the moment, I think I'd actually just go everywhere without clothes on. E agrees. Once again, listening to Talk Show Host - the best song in the world. Apart from Woods by Bon Iver, and Blue Ridge Mountains by Fleet Foxes.
And spraying tea tree oil antiseptic on infected piercings really fucking hurts!
Gooooood night :D

mint coma

I'm in a mint coma. And im also a bit drunk which is making everything funnier because i cant spell anything, and i just wrote ming and funo and we all laughed a lot that is to say me and not very many other people just A hahah but really. And i spent most of this afternoon drinking mint comas i mean gin and tonics.. i dont know why i keep saying mint coma (i dont even know what the fuuck that is?!?!?!?!) in town, and i bought a sick as bracelet that im never ever going to take off, and there were some absolute fucks on the bus and A talked to them and was like "catch you bro" and i was so embarrassed goodnight

1am insomnia

Not sure why I'm still up. It's most likely my pit of a room.. the mess is messing up my sleep patterns. Probably.
I am listening to french accordian music. My hand smells like metal. And I really feel like painting my nails, and drinking G&Ts. I could go into the kitchen and make myself one, but unfortunately I drank all of Mam's gin a while back.
Once upon a time, there was a girl..
She lived in a room. Attached to a house. But the room was all her own. It was an amazing, creative, crazy room, with posters all over the walls, a piano, and a giant wardrobe that led to Narnia.
One night, she was restless and nostalgic, and so, decided on a midnight walk. She put on her coat, her black shiny gumboots, unlocked her door, and walked outside, into the starlit night. There was a slight breeze, that lifted her hair from her forehead, and gently brushed it round her neck. She shivered a little in the cool night air, but was determined to continue on her adventure, so she walked through the dewy grass, and into the parklands that were just outside her house. As soon as she walked into this green world, the background noise dropped to a dull hum, and she couldn't hear the late night city cars, or buses, and all the streetlights had suddenly dimmed to a soft orange glow. There was a small copse of trees that she would often sit in, to escape the hustle and bustle of her life, but rarely transported her so fully, in the daytime, to the peaceful world she knew that she would find there now, in the cool of night. She stepped through, into a world of magic..



Off to dreamworld. Hopefully I'll dream something lovely, like this!

you are my voice

While I should have been doing my child studies, I have infact, been philosophising, and thinking about sexy people such as:

Daisy Lowe


and

Bernard from Black Books


and also how I was discussing men today, and realised something: I don't really like heaps manly men.. Not sure what that proves really, at all. But hey, whats the point of not being honest!
And I'm downloading the soundtrack from 50 First Dates, which I should be really embarrassed about, but it's pretty fuckin sweet to be honest, so no, I'm not embarrassed, I'm actually rocking out the ukelele tunes.
And I've just discovered that I loooove reggae, yeaahhhh.

?

Freshly washed hair turns me on. Hahahah, you probably think I'm joking..

where will we rest?

I am lonely, and shit, I have way too much homework, and absolutely no money, and I have to work this weekend, and halfway through my first shower in 48 hours (we ran out of water..), the hot water ran out.. AGAIN! And my family expected me to eat dinner outside with them. Err no, it's like 2 degrees and dark?!
So instead, I put on mum's old leopard print leggings (hahahah) and danced around the house being a fuck, while they were outside sitting around our new firepit (which by the way, is really really cool), and I'm pretty sure they didn't notice because when they came inside again, I was behaving normally again, and eating pesto pasta at the table, reading my child studies textbook.
But oh sweet jesus, I have exams in 2 weeks and I haven't even starting revising yet.
Good news though, I have a sweet blazer on layby. I really am a shopaholic fuckhead. Oh well, what can you do.
Another piece of good news, me and my hippy family are celebrating the winter solstice on saturday night (wooo, big weekend for me), and are going to have a huge bonfire ahahahah, but really, it's going to be pretty sweet.

wanted to have you..

I have chocolate melted all over my bed, scored an old jumper, scarf and leopard print (unsure of these..) tights of mums, and, somehow, I've managed to convince my uncle to let me drive his car to the restaurant we're getting dinner from. This should be interesting, seeing as I haven't driven in a month, and the last time it happened, I'm pretty sure both Mum and I were over the limit. No idea how I got away with it. But, God, help us.

err, what the fuck?!

WHY ON EARTH WOULD THEY KILL OFF ADAM CARTER???? Spooks is not worth watching any more.
I'm actually going to be mourning forever. My life is shit.

je t'aime toujours d'amour

Yellow high-waisted shorts + amazing '50s aviators (that were originally my Pop's) = a very very happy little me! Just ignore the fact it's dark, winter, and I'm actually sitting on my bed inside...
I'm significantly contented.

tip top

I'm fairly sure I own the most adorable cat in the whole entire world.
And I've also just finished my fifth cup of tea in as many minutes (probably an exaggeration), and my brain has melted, due to way way too much brain activity, which I'm totally not used to.
And damn you, shoes with crappy shitty soles that let water in!
And I love you, Nouvelle Vague, Camille, The Strokes, and Mr Angus and Miss Julia Stone.
And I've got a really big owwy headache that won't go away.
But I'm planning on having at least 43 hours of sleep tonight.

your love will be safe with me..

So I'm sitting infront of the fire while its grey and sort of rainy outside, doing this (and my Psychology), and really, for the first time in ages, I'm actually really content with my life! Yesterday I went to see Dad and his band play like 4 songs at a climate change rally, and the day was absolutely glorious - quite windy, but sunny and cool-ish, but still warm, and I wore a skirt and a t-shirt, which was amazing, because I've been constantly wearing jeans and leggings for the past 5 months. And while I was down in the city, I bought an AMAZING double breasted black jacket thats really chic and amazing, two tops that are also amazing, and a bright red beret (finally, I have another one!), and this dark red sparkly nailpolish that's really weird but kinda cool at the same time.
Oh, and this morning I bought a new overnight bag that's red and spotty, and amazing. Just because I could.
I possibly have a spending addiction, which is why I'm so happy right now, because I'm giving in to it, but hey, who actually gives a crap!
Anyway, its so nice inside, warm and toasty, and I love everything, and I ate croissants for breakfast. So really, life is grand.

I'll be waiting...

I had a dream last night, that I lived in my shed, and it was so amazingly sweet, it had collage all over the walls, and an awesome chair that was red chintz, and had little golden things patterned all over it. Seriously, I have never had a better dream. Except maybe that one about me living in this tree house that was literally HUGE, and I was actually a girl version of Tarzan, and I wore fur, and had hot, animalistic sex on my huge bed?!?!? Yeah, that was a pretty sweet dream too. HAHA!

Other than that, nothing exciting to report in my life. Except I think Talk Show Host by Radiohead is actually the best song of all time. But that's not really news, coz I thought that already anyway.

the world is eating my soul

Once again, I am left to my own devices as Papa and une petit Diablo have gone forth to roam free and wild, the desolate streets of this lonely town. And this time, I have nothing but a stock cube to chew on, my cigarettes have gone missing, and I feel really rather sorry for myself. To my distress, I just burnt the back of my neck with my straightener, there’s a hissing noise coming from the living room, and, once again, there is no coffee to be found in the house. How is this possible? Neither of my parents have a skerrick of caffeine in either of their houses. Good news, however. Psychology, English and my Child Studies are finished. Well C.S almost is, I only have to collage another 7 or 8 pages. Fuck.

I just methodically searched my entire room, and my precious cigarettes are nowhere to be found, which makes me think that someone must have stolen them. That is so bloody annoying – the very weekend that I need some sort of stress relief the most, and they bloody go missing. That’s alright; I’ve just discovered another stress relief. I just lit the leg of my dressing table on fire.

Can you imagine me on a bicycle?

I went for a walk on the beach before. Actually, it was more of a walk along the esplanade, as the whole entire beach was covered by angry looking grey-green waves/water. I’ve never seen the tide so high or far up the beach. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a fucking great storm tonight, and I wake up tomorrow morning underwater. It’s really bloody fucking cold out, and my hair looks like I just ran through a bramble bush backwards, not to mention my fingers and nose have fallen off.

Oops, I just spat my butter menthol across the room

Sitting, listening to Bon Iver (again), my life seems significantly even less interesting than it did yesterday. As I sit here, wrapped in my own thoughts, even though I’m meant to be re-writing my Psychology assignment, my mind can’t help wandering – to how I wish I could play amazing guitar, and how much I want a coffee, and how much my room smells like stale incense and smoke. I want to move away from here, to somewhere where everything is something, and nothing is dull, and my life has meaning, and there’s always something to do. Right now, nothing is anything, everything is dull, life has no meaning, and there’s nothing to do except write about data, and graphs, and cultural anomalies. I just want to leave the house, and go and walk along the beach, even though the sky is grey, and it’s probably about 3 degrees outside. In my room, the heater’s been on since about 8 o’clock last night, which means I’m wearing a t-shirt; it feels strange to be dressed in minimal clothing, when outside my window, it looks like it’s about to rain.

I need to get a new beret, as Mother washed my beautiful old one, and it went lumpy and felted itself into a ball. But this may prove absolutely impossible, as I have exactly $3.45 in small change. However, the op shop up the road looks very tempting – not that I’ve exactly seen it today, but I expect it would, if I were standing out the front. To be completely honest, what I really feel like doing is lying on the floor of my room and pretending to be a dying jellyfish, which is probably what I am. But as jellyfish have such vivid imaginations, I’ve now realised I’m actually just deluding myself to believe I’m a human being, which, now I think about it, is obvious I’m not. My nails could do with a fresh coat of nail polish too. A cheerful mahogany perhaps?

So far, I’ve re-written 625 words on my Psychology, and I believe it needs to be about 1500, which shouldn’t be too difficult to reach I shouldn’t think. I’ll just bullshit a bit, and crap on about nothing in particular (which I seem to be good at... haha). And then after finishing that, I’m going to re-write my English recount, which is actually already finished, but I hate it, and it’s way too true to life, so I’m going to vamp it up a bit, and pretend I actually used to live in Russia or something equally believable.

I just took a secret break, and leant out the window for five minutes. It’s starting to drizzle, and I can hear the sound of a light plane droning in the distance. I’m wearing Maman’s old alpaca jumper that she bought at the Portobello markets in 1974 – truly retro? It’s amazing, and I think if it was a man, I’d marry it right here and now. Unfortunately, it’s only a piece of clothing, so marriage might not be the most practical thing to do with it. Last night, when I came home from work, I discovered it in a wooden box, nestled in with an old calisthenics leotard of mine (watermelon silk, with silver sequins, and truly delightful pale pink tulle sticking out the bottom), and some dusty old skirts of Maman’s, that she’d been rifting through, to find things to throw out, or alternately, give to op-shops. It itches around the neck, but other than that, it’s practically perfect. Papa noticed it as soon as I got to his house, and mentioned the origins of it, of which I’d already been informed by Ma. Apparently Princess Di had one similar, and was such an inspiration that this one simply had to be purchased!

I’m so amazingly bored, sitting here in this tiny, white room. Papa and little brother, aka une petit Diablo have left me in charge of the house while they’re off gallivanting about, probably making friends with political refugees from Chile, or somewhere equally as exciting, and drinking coffee with them, learning about their amazingly exciting, tragic lives, while I’m left here, bored out of my brain, about to jump out the window, which would probably just break my knees, as it’s only a story high. Or perhaps they’ve actually skipped the country, using Papa’s secret stash of drug money, and are now almost halfway across the world, on their way to smoke cigars in Roman hotel lounges, sip mint tea in Moroccan tents, and swap secret little white packages with Parisian prostitutes. And I’m stuck here, drinking crappy instant coffee, with nothing but my Alpaca jumper, Bon Iver, and a pack of stale cigarettes to keep me company.

well well

Yep, it's been a pretty productive night - did absolutely nothing until 7, hung out with R til ten or so minutes ago, didn't do anything regrettably regretable. Which is definately a plus, seeing as it's a Friday night, and that seems to be something that's been happening a lot of lately. AND, I'm home at 10! Drove around in the rainy night, and discussed psychological things while smoking in the dark. Had a bit of trouble with a hitchhiker, and a bit of a confrontation when I got home, but R's CD's finished now, which is good. Now, to the last bit of The Dreamers - haven't watched it since I was 14 (I WATCHED THIS WHEN I WAS 14?!?!?!?!?), so I'm definately looking forward to that! Haha.

"You'd be really good to psycho-analyse."
"Yeah, I know. Cause I've got all these bits of me that are terribly fucked up."
"...Yes."

winter

As I'm currently painting my toenails coral, while sitting on my bed (not a good idea - don't ever do it), you wouldn't think my thoughts'd be too deep or anything. And you'd be right. They're not. I am currently thinking about how nice my toenails are, and the amazing top I bought yesterday, and what a certain person is trying to make me do tonight! Also that I wish I had more control over my emotions, and what I'd be like if I was a boy, and why a car just pulled up outside my house, and whether or not I'm going to get drunk tonight. And that I really have to wash my jumper, and that my phone's running out of battery, and that I really dislike this red and black top/dress thing I bought the other day, and how it was just a massive waste of money. And now I'm thinking about how cold my feet are, cause I can't rub them due to wet nailpolish, and also that I think I might have a shaving cut on my knee, as it's really starting to hurt. But mainly, I think I'm just thinking about how much of a bad person I really must be, to be as horrid as I am to most people! Not sure if people think I have completely normal emotions, and they're probably right - I never feel the right thing at the right time. But that doesn't mean that feelings can't be hurt and all that, blah blah. Because I definately have feelings. Probably too many of them, to be honest.

To continue the 'un-deep' theme, I bought this amazing top yesterday, with a cat and sequins and it doubles as a dress, but I don't even really know if I like it all that much. Now I just need a trench coat, and a new life, and everything will be set!

Meanwhile, I'm continuing my education on the whole art/politics venture. Not sure what that means, but it sounded like a pretty awesome bit of bullshit. I think I just need to get madly stoned, and then I'll completely know where I'm meant to be heading in life, and finally make up my mind about something. I don't think that's ever happened to me before, whilst under the influence (if that's what you call it), but there's always a chance, yes?

Oh, and I'm completely in love with Louis Garrel.. never have I seen such a perfect specimen of a human being. I think if he talked to me, I'd probably faint - French accent and all that. And speaking of French accents, I met someone the other day with like 50 different, amazing nationalities (Italian, French, Spanish, Portugese, Greek and Swiss - ok, not 50), and when he said 'allo, I swooned and found it impossible to open my mouth without uttering absolute nonsense for the remainder of the hour. Pity he's actually married. Hahahahah!

ouch

I just spilt really hot hot tea all over my hand, and now my lip's bleeding from biting it too much - oh, the stress. I wish we had caffinated coffee in the house. Must remember to buy some. And find the plunger. I've been reduced to drinking shitty shit shit milky sweet tea, which wouldn't be so bad was it not for the desperate need of caffeine or some other drugs to keep me awake through the long, lonely night. HAHA! Weirdly, I think I may be able to finish this psychology - adrenalin, hello! Caffeine'd be better though.

yeah

My lips are about to fall off - I've decided I don't use them enough.

Think what you like.

well

Oh, and what the fuck is the point of decaffinated coffee?? I think I've done something really wrong, and now all this stuff is coming back to get me - karma or something - like there only being decaf in the house, and not being able to find the coffee plunger (where the hell could you hide a coffee plunger in the kitchen?), and putting off psychology to the last minute (ok, admittedly my own fault), and having a throbbing great headache that won't go away no matter how many codeine tablets I take. I'm feeling well shit now. Shitter than usual. At least my cat's being cute though. Stretched out all over my psychology books so I can't even use them, and tangling my laptop cord, oh yep, very cute.

help help HELP!

I am in desperate need of at least a tonne each of nicotine and caffeine, I think my whole being is starting to break down from lack of them. Days without nicotine: 6 (SHIT!) Days without caffeine: ok, it's only been like 12 hours.
I'm up at almost midnight, doing psychology. Not that late, true, but time goes so slowly when you're not having fun. I feel like I've been awake for at least a month. Oh, and I don't even really get what I'm supposed to be writing about. I'm just in a massive state of cognitive dissonance. And I've started writing words backwards, and I've just listened to literally 98 minutes non-stop of Bon Iver, which is suprisingly getting a little tiresome. But luckily for me, I'm just about to go make a coffee, which is making me feel a little more energetic (just the premonition of a scrap of caffeine) - if you can have energy after half your brain's just dissolved from concentrating on one thing for two long. So far, I've made 276 graphs, written about 40000 words on nothing, and I'm getting NOWHERE. Shit.

another anecdote of the day:

He was the only one that would look at me like I was worth anything.

anecdote of the day:

"There's never enough time is there."
"Not for us."

i like

i like this:

but not the actual emotion.

anecdote of the day:

love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be bastards

i owe you this,

beside the fact that i think my ear may have developed a life of its own, and might soon start talking in a different language, i should really stop procrastinating, as it seems to be taking up most of my life

wow

realisation of the day:
firstly, i've lost the ability to figure out what's important, and what isnt
secondly, life seems really pointless unless there's excitement in it.. ie. something to do, something to see, something to ruin
thirdly, i feel the need to create excitement in my life, to make it not boring and basically to fuck with the consequences!