consistency/ control

i have a real problem with consistency. as much as i may love doing something, or finishing a task, if i take a slight break, i struggle hard to go back to it. it's like if i don't do something all at once, and give it my everything, then i lose my drive to complete it.

this basically goes for everything you could think of - work, study, love, writing, photography. even my passions are in there.

sometimes when i'm sad i do my best contemplation. because everything seems to come to the surface when i'm melancholy. just last night i remarked: i just want to hang out with my friends and my dog and learn things.what i forget is life is rarely controllable. and that's my major weakness. needing to control things. and if i can't, well they're not worth my time.

if there was a complete opposite of the saying "she wears her heart on her sleeve", then that would be how to explain me. "she keeps her cards close to her chest" might do. in any case, i rarely let myself get into situations where i might be vulnerable. and when by chance vulnerability sneaks up on me, the control rears its ugly head and there i am, back to square one, keeping tight hold of everything that i can.

confusion

i go through periods in my life where i want to totally reinvent myself. this one is especially powerful - i almost feel as if i can't continue unless i change something.

it's always about less, or more. or both.

and so, i spend my tuesdays.

friday morning dreaming

the rain

rain is rolling in. i'm sitting at the study looking out the window, watching the grey clouds move into view.

two photos for today from our mid-week getaway to the beach.

dark words

i've been trying to get back into photography lately; it's proving more difficult than i thought.

sometimes i just lose my mojo for all things creative.

lately, it's been my mojo for everything.

friday afternoon melancholia

what i'm watching

finally got onto watching the girl with the dragon tattoo, you know, the one with daniel craig (the best bond ever in my opinion) and rooney mara (the deceptively beautiful).

i'm halfway through at the moment, and although i've seen the swedish films, and i usually hate english foreign films (you know the ones where everyone speaks english in an english accent even though they're not from england. yeah, those), i'm actually enjoying it. enjoy is probably not the right word, but it's fascinating and i love d.c soooo...

[happy] rainy thursday

it's days like these i wonder about life.

i mean, where am i really going to?

i feel like recently, everything is just temporary, until the life starts. but when is it going to start? and why is it taking so long?

i've always felt like i was just waiting for something or someone to come along and change everything.

meanwhile, i'm just sat here drinking tea, and it's raining, and i'm waiting.