dark words

i've been trying to get back into photography lately; it's proving more difficult than i thought.

sometimes i just lose my mojo for all things creative.

lately, it's been my mojo for everything.

so,

I've been thinking a lot recently. about life, and what kind of person i am.

like, what do other people see when they look at me?

i honestly have no clue.

i'd like to be someone who people look at and think 'she looks lovely'.

i drank cider and watched the tallest man on earth perform yesterday afternoon. the light. oh that light. greeny-yellow, filtering through dark grey clouds. i sat on a shawl wearing my new green dress and mouthed along to his beautiful words.

i'm a bit melancholy at the moment. it's strange, i feel like it's a kind of deep sadness that i can use and take in to make myself a better person.

lost love has also been occupying my thoughts.

what if i never meet someone who connects to me as well as he did? what if i do? will i forget him? what does that make me? was it really as important as i thought at the time? can't i just take the piss out of myself please? that usually makes me feel less lost.

i owe some photos from my recent holiday. i promise they're on their way!

dependence

I can’t express how much I am addicted to the internet. At the moment, our modem is down and I am writing this on a word document instead of directly onto my blog. And let me tell you, it’s killing me. Just a little. Maybe a lot. Maybe totally. It’s not just the blog that I miss, it’s the updates on twitter which I cannot stand missing out on – I feel left out to tell the truth – and my dependence on online shopping (and subsequent removal of the ability to do this) has caused me to go a little bit insane over the past week (give or take). 

So I have taken to using my phone to go on the internet. Which is in itself a really bad thing. My phone bill for next month will be double. 

Other problems include not being able to download music at the drop of a hat, or when I hear a new song I rather like. I’m a bit dependent on music as well. I often feel like I want to dissolve into the music. Bit of a morbid thought I know. And not being constantly attached to the outside world makes me feel weird. And lonely. Very lonely.

At the moment I’m in a bit of a melancholic despondency. And usually I fix this certain mood by buying things, which sometimes forces me out of my little bubble. Sometimes it doesn’t. Anyway, whether it be clothes (online mostly), or music (also online), or food, or wood for the fire, or nailpolish, or rings, or coffee, it usually distracts me from my hopelessness for at least a little while, until I can face pulling myself out.

But because all of these are not accessible to me in my current climate, I am forked… to spend time with myself. The depressed self. Not the good one. Which sucks. I also can’t watch anything online. Like True Blood – this usually helps. Or reading my various collection of blogs that inspire me – visiting these people just for a bit makes me happy.