Thursday, July 30
...later on
"oh, i feel sick"
"fucking hell, get your mind out of the gutter"
"i didn't mean to dream that"
"and god i wish i hadn't dreamt it"
"stop staring, you're being obvious"
"god i hate her, she's such a bitch"
"i actually wouldn't mind if everyone died"
"thats a massive lie"
"what a fucking prick"
"is it normal to think this?"
and etcetera.
Which kind of disturbs me, as most of the things I think are completely innapropriate, and as I am writing this, indeed, I'm thinking of a very annoying STUPID subject, which is starting to annoy me greatly, as ever since the other weekend, I finally realised something, and from then on I've been trying not to think about it, to get myself to stop feeling it, which by the way never works, so if you're trying to stop thinking about something, don't tell yourself not to think about it, because you inevitably do. (think about it I mean)
Probably speaks for itself, as I'm not making any sense whatsoever, what that's actually about.
Fuck I hate males.
baby, you're the one to blame
Wednesday, July 29
mmmm yess
It's just amazing, and I really really want it baddddly! It's so pretty and sexy at the same time, and I can just imagine me walking around in my parisian apartment, wearing it and nothing else, except for maybe a flower in my hair. Nice bit of imagery there.. hah.
Lakasha
I feel blue - Lakasha
La pluie qui tombe - Daniel Darc
J'attends - Hocus Pocus
Pâle Septembre - Camille
Qui De Nous Deux - M
Partie de Golf - Ridan
Le Jeune Homme Changé en Arbre - Jerome Attal
are just a few.
Actually only like one of those is kinda jazz (smooth of course). But still, it's nice to listen to and also to help fall into a kind of weird depression that is actually really a massive turn on. Not in that way, but it's really pleasant. Yep, just another obvious reason I'm way too fucked up for words.
Yeahh, off to get ready for work now. I'll get frostbite. X
my body is a cage
Formal and after-party were on, this weekend just gone. Probably the best night of my life, except for when I got a bit too emotional, which was a combination of alcohol, high emotions (which were already occurring), and way too obvious revelations (that I already knew about - mainly because they were in my head) that really fucked me off, due to them almost ruining the night. But I didn't let that happen, and continued with my night (even though I'd cried off all my eye makeup.. pathetic!), until about 7 oclock in the morning, slept for 2 hours on the floor of someone's car, and woke at 9, still really quite intoxicated.
Just before getting into the stretch Hummer we'd hired (god knows why..). It was truly amazing though, best ride down to the city I've ever had in my life.
Me and Rrrrrraaachel in it, being pretty happy due to the amazingness of the night
Me, on the left, H in the middle, C on the right. I really don't know why I wore such little clothing. Oh well.
Friday, July 24
yeah
my lord, he hath importuned me with love
Ok, that was a bit of a lie, I actually like hamlet, it's probably something that everyone can relate to - unrequieted love and all that.
Formal tomorrow night, and oh I'm really quite excited! Apart from the digital camera mummy bought me yesterday doesn't actually register when I plug it into my laptop, so apparently I'm not going to be getting any photos off it after tomorrow! Which is a bit disappointing! But I'm so excited for formal, I'm not going to let it get to me, and I'm going to continue putting exclamation marks after every sentence!
As anyone who pays any attention to my life would know, our bathroom is being renovated, and unfortunately it's not going to be finished before tomorrow which therefore means that I can't have a proper shower before formal, which also means that when I try to exfoliate and shave, all my dead skin and hair will go all over me seeing as we only have a bath. Which means EW. And this also means that when I wash my hair, the shampoo and conditioner will probably not come out properly which really shits me off. I really hate builders!
But I'm pretty excited because my dress is so good, and so's all my jewellery and stuff. And anyway, we actually have an after formal party which is so good, and before mum told me not to vomit there, and then went on to tell me about how at her 21st birthday party, she drank too much, and vomited all over herself, which I am proud to note, I have never ever done, and never ever plan to do! Especially not tomorrow night!
I am currently listening to Josh Thomas and 'friend' podcast which is absolutely fucking hilarious, so I seriously recommend downloading it. It's really awkward and like funny because they're both just so cute hahaha. And that is why I'm a bit distracted, apart from thinking about formal.. Anyway, I'm going to go exfoliate in my own dead skin bath now. I'll probably have a really good time though.
Thursday, July 23
Stanley
A bull terrier I think it was. Anyway, the camera dude tells me to go pat it, and I hesitated, because I haven't had the best experiences with dogs.. But he insisted, so I walked over and patted Stan the dog on the nose, and he fucking bit my arm. I really really don't like being near dogs. I'm not scared of them, they're just shit.
Wednesday, July 22
um yuck..?
Customers are so odd, you really get the weirdest people coming into work sometimes. This evening, a lady came into work, with her son I guess, and spent about an hour (not even joking), walking around the shop picking things up and putting them down again. Except that's not really unusual, coz she does it every 3 weeks or so.. but anyway. And then, after spending ages in the shop, she went to the checkout and bought $102 worth of groceries. Really? Did she need that much stuff? No, not really. Don't think she could afford it either, seeing as she asked for the eggplants to be weighed and when they cost more than a dollar, she was like "no, I won't be getting those today". WELL STOP FRICKING PICKING UP UNNECESSARY THINGS YOU STUPID BITCH. She then proceeded (after she's payed for everything), to roll a cigarette, the slowest I have ever seen anyone roll one, and I MEAN anyone, in the fricking shop, and then light it just outside the door, so it blew in and the shop stank like smoke for the whole entire time we were packing up. Alright, I shouldn't really mind about that, but she's just so frustrating and slow and I'm fairly sure if I wasn't such a nice person I would've hit her by now.
There's also a man who comes in who actually looks like a bad 90's porn star. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds about right. And today I served a lady who at the end of our 'interaction' I suppose you could call it, asked me where I lived. I lied, and told her some random road and she replied "ohh it's lovely up that way, you're pretty lucky". Yeah, I think she's a bit crazy.
Tuesday, July 21
???
Sunday, July 19
late late
I feel like getting really fucking drunk, and lying on my floor pretending to be a starfish. I'd probably freeze to death though. Shit. Oh, and I have school in the morning. Great, I have to wake up at 7, to go and stand on the front verandah with a couple of buckets to wash myself with. Especially my hair. Ugh life is way too hard. I'm going to retire after I finish this year, and move to France, so I can eat croissants and drink coffee all day. I'd probably get really fat though. There's actually a downside to everything.
Saturday, July 18
Saturday, 18th of July
Now, I'm holed up in my crap bedroom, that looks like a pit, because I haven't cleaned it in about 16 weeks, watching 90210, on a saturday night, feeling like I want to hit someone, because there's apparently nothing on tonight, and everyone's decided to suggest I have something at my house, even though it's getting renovated, there's nowhere to accomodate people who probably want to play drinking games, and I don't really feel like getting drunk in front of my mum tonight.
Yippee. Except I think there might be some party on in some obscure place that I've never even heard of, which Rachee probably doesn't want to go to because it's too freezing cold, but maybe we'll end up going there. I've got no idea. But I think I'll have a breakdown if I don't do anything tonight, seeing as I really have a massive urge to go out. Haha.
But anyway, I found these pictures, and they just massively inspired me. To do what, I'm not so sure, but some inspiration is better than nothing, even if you don't know what to do with it, right?
Thursday, July 16
bla bla bla
Anyway, I'm getting my hair cut today, finally, after like a year, so yeah I'm pretty stoked for that. My life is so eventful, what an awesome day it has been so far! Dad's up here for the day, helping mum move furniture around, and now he's sitting in the back room watching David Bowie on DVD. Cooool. Anywho, back to 90210, I'm a little bit addicted.
Wednesday, July 15
atchoo
Anyway, the bathroom is shit, is taking forevvvver to finish, and I'm so sick of having two fucking random guys in my house!
I just read that sentence again and it sounded like I'd had two random guys in my house who I was fucking. I'm not, although I'm pretty sure the younger one is in love with me hahaha.. im really just joking though.
Hmm, I think I might go ferret around in the kitchen for cheese or something. Speaking of cheese, I spent like $15 on cheese at the market the other day. Hello big spender. But really, on cheese? How did I even manage that? And what's even more disgusting, I ate all of it the same day. Yuck. However, while at the market, having coffee at Lucia's, I fell in love with one of the (do you call them waiters at a coffee shop?) coffee-makers/waiter/sex gods who work there. He is absolutely divine, and knowing my luck with romance, also probably gay. And since buying $15 worth of cheese there (ew), I've gone back about 6 times to try and get him to fall in love with me too (I am NOT actually a stalker, I just don't take no for an answer), but to no avail - he doesn't work then I guess). I'm going back this weekend for some more coffee (and probably some more cheese too, no point in not being honest).
i'll admit
Tuesday, July 14
am i dreaming? probably
target="_blank">
sweet
I hate working on things in the holidays. Not that there's probably anything else to do, seeing as it's about -35 degrees outside, and pelting down with rain most of the time. I went to the doctor this morning, and apparently I have chest infection or something. Yeah, that explains why I've been feeling like SHIT for a week.
Meanwhile, I found out that the doctor I saw, retired about 35 years ago and spent his retirement (before being a doctor again?!?! why would you do that..?), on the French canals of France, with his wife, on their barge, boating around.
I would so love to be doing that right now. It's summer in the Northern Hemisphere, and I would so much rather be there than here right now, due to everything being shit, horrible, and absolutely disgusting.
I look like crap, my lungs have actually collapsed (probably, they feel like it), and we have no bathroom, therefore I haven't had a proper shower for like 4 days. I've just been washing myself on the front verandah with a cup and a bucket, and its really fucking cold out there, not to mention the concrete floor I have to stand on, naked, for like a full 10 minutes, in the bloody rain.
And I have to hand in my special study about childcare (who in their right mind would write 2000 words, willingly, on children?? I dont understand the world), in, oh, about an hour. My life is disgraceful. My room is a pit, and I think I'm going to become a hermit, and only come out of my house once every 10 years, to experience civilisation. Fuck that, every 20 years. Welcome to my new life.
Sunday, July 12
skin is skin
So anyway, my outfit last night consisted of black biker boots, a black jacket, black skirt, and black opaque stockings. And apparently black is the 'lazy' colour (mum told me that), which totally makes sense, because I really honestly can't be bothered most of the time. And she also said that most people wear black because it's slimming, which is actually, at risk of sounding really stuck up, to be honest, the real reason I wear it. Hahahahha.
In Coco Avant Chanel, she, played by Audrey Tautou (who I would also be marrying, if I wasn't in love with my actual fiancee, Alessandro, and also if she was a boy), says 'black is the only colour that shows off your eyes'. And so, to anyone out there who thinks black is funerally, and crap, I say 'what do you know' and 'its slimming' (haha), and 'its really a heaps good colour'.
Yeah ok, I'm biased, because I think I look pretty damn sweet in black, but whatever.
Thursday, July 9
je ne sais pas
Listening to Heart Full of Wine by Angus and Julia Stone, oh it’s beautiful. I’m going to teach myself to play it on the guitar! I’m so excited, this is my project for the holidays.
Today, I didn’t end up buying magazines or Russell Brand’s autobiography, or clothes. I paid my phone bill. But I did buy some nailpolish. And I have extra money, which I should probably use to pay the rest of my phone bill. But I really can’t be bothered, and it has to last me for the rest of the holidays basically! Which it’s obviously not going to do, if I use it on paying stupid bills. I’ll probably end up buying food and alcohol, and crap clothes though.. hahaha.
lalalalla
Ps: Listening to Memories by Waldeck.
So chic..
so frenchy..
I am
- Painting my nails gunmental grey. Hahaha gunmental. I meant gunmetal.
- Listening to So Frenchy So Chic
- Coughing my lungs up, and wishing that I didn’t have such a bad cold
- Wishing I had 90 million dollars
- Wearing a short silk skirt, which is amazing, but it makes my legs really cold
- Sort of doing my special study (but not really)
List:
- I need some kind of physical contact before I go completely insane from the lack of it
- ‘Chaos, order, what will it be?’
I’m really bored, so I’m ‘liking’ literally everyone’s status on facebook. Even the people I don’t even know. I have such an awesome life! Hahahah. But I’ve recently discovered (as usual), that if one day I hate everything, it mostly happens that the next day I’m absolutely ecstatic about everything. I really don’t know why, but it just happens like that!
Wednesday, July 8
the sky looks like it could weep
Today I sat in a Catholic Church for about 10 minutes, just to escape from the bustle of life, but also to rest my poor blistery feet for a second. It was really peaceful, but melancholy, and had a sense of dejection as soon as I stepped in the door. I’m literally in the most depressed mood right now, I feel like everyone I know only spends time with me, or is friends with me because they can get something out of me – my friends use me as a listening ear, or advice, someone to bitch to, my family plainly just someone to abuse (except maybe my mum), and any boys that I know, well that just explains itself – and it feels really fucking shit. I had a little bit of a cry in the kitchen before, when I made myself a cup of tea, and it burnt my tongue and tasted terrible, so I started tearing up, and smashed the cup into the sink.
It’s strange, because when I woke up this morning, I felt sick, and tired, but not sad or anything, and I washed my hair, pinned up my fringe, curled the ends and felt like I was channelling Effy Stonem, because I put on lots of black eye makeup and wore my biker boots out. But then I got some shitty messages, and later, got told shitty things about myself, and certain situations, and my mood went down the plughole. Not to mention I have no money whatsoever, and I can’t even talk because I’ve got the flu. Really, everything sets me off these days. And my ears hurt, and I can’t stop coughing, and I want to go home, except I have to stay at dad’s this week because we’re getting the bathroom renovated at home, which is ok, but I found out this morning it’s going to take a lot longer, so I’ll probably have to stay at dad’s for some of next week too, and I really don’t want to because his house smells like smoke, I’ve given up smoking, and I have a terrible cough so that’s not helping, and also I had a giant fight with him last night, and I never have before, and neither of us have apologised and it’s really weird and horrible but I figured out why I said some things to him, namely “you’re a fucking bastard”, and I’m fairly sure it’s because I’ve never expressed my pain to him before, and even though mum and him split up like 9 years ago, I’ve never talked to him about it, because it’s just something that we don’t do.
And, as usual, my life is so dull, and I wish I had a car, and somewhere to drive to. I would steal dad’s car, but the bloody battery’s flat, and it’s not registered or insured, and I don’t want to be shot. Or just somewhere to go, and drink and forget about everything. Or someone to do that with. I honestly feel right now like I have nothing to live for. Except my formal shoes maybe, or my biker boots, or my hilarious conversations about sex with Maman, which, by the way, made my day yesterday. But apart from that, everything is so monotonous, and uninteresting, and I feel like topping myself.
It probably doesn’t help that I’m listening to Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding (which by the way, is the song that I listened to for days on end after a recent romance, and therefore always reminds me of said boy, and makes me sad and nostalgic every time I listen to it, even though it’s a brilliant song, and for that reason, I won’t stop listening to it just because of the way it makes me feel), and wearing all black..
or that the sky outside looks like it could weep. Bit of nice shit poetry there. Or that I have no one to talk to about my feelings, because I don’t want to offload my shit on anyone, and maybe I think it’s not all that important? And it’s getting dark, and I want to do something that makes my life worthwhile. Oh, and a bit of trivia, I always manage to fuck things up with everyone. And I always manage to fuck things up for everyone. I really think I have some kind of psychological problem, where I need to ruin things as much as I can, for me, and all the people close to me, and even for people who aren’t close to me.
But at least tomorrow I can develop my spending addiction, due to pay day, and probably buy some clothes and nailpolish and a few magazines maybe, and Russell Brand’s autobiography. I don’t even want it, but I’ll probably end up buying it anyway. And a new scarf, even though I’ve got three new scarves in the past week, one of which Mum gave me (actually she got me all three of them...), and I can’t find it anywhere which is really horrible because I love it so much! Actually, come to think of it, it’s probably in my room at home somewhere, under a pile of clothes or something ridiculous like that.
Enough of my whingeing, but in all probability, I’ll probably whinge some more later. So to correct myself: enough of my whingeing for now.